I hurt when Im away from you but when Im near you, you cause me pain.

How does one go about separating them self from something that causes them pain but that they love very much.

So much drama, so much love, so much hatred, so much pain, so much emotion, so much guilt, so much pride, so much connection, so much in common, its too much. There is no equality, no passion, no confiding, no agreeing, only arguing and battling. Even when I agree with you, you fight me. I try to help, to aid, to inspire but you think there is sinister evil thoughts behind my loving actions. You seek to see what I have hidden when I hide nothing. You search for motive behind my loving actions. You hear an evil tone in my soothing sweet voice. You feel hatred in my loving embrace. I show you compassion and see it as a form of weekness. You twist my every word into something it is not just to hurt me and fight me.

I need to be disconnected from you because you cause me pain, but it pains me to disconnect from you. Free me from your guilt trips. Let me loose from you manipulating grasp. I have had enough of you stepping on my fingers while I am hanging from the edge of a cliff. Stop expecting me to make the same mistakes you or my siblings have made. Let me, please, let me make my 'own' mistakes.

Let me go from you hurtful grasp or I will be forced to flee.

I Am Not The Me That You Know I Am A Tree

I may have been at one time very close to the idea you have of me but as time goes and nature vs nurture comes into play its only natural that a person changes. Holding onto your ideas and your insights of a person is fine but keep an open heart and be mindful of their changes, no matter how long you have known them.
People are trees. We have roots of personality, those things that will always be there deep beneath the surface, the reactions and feelings we were born with but what every one sees is our leaves and we don't keep our leaves forever. When you meet a person you see their leaves in all the colors of their personality but the leaves fall and new ones take their place. As a persons surroundings influence them and nature takes its course, people change. Its still the same tree you love and care for but you cant keep trying to stick the wilted and dried leaves back on.
Don't you see? I am that tree. You are still holding on so tightly to those leaves that fell when I was little you never notice all the new leaves that have come and gone to take their place. I tried to point that out to you but you refuse to drop those leaves.
In your anger you have dug up my roots just to show me they are there. You stand there pointing at my roots as if I have forgotten them. Shouting "look, here are your roots. This IS what you are."
Don't you see how silly it is? Don't you see how much your hurting the tree? The tree knows exactly what its roots are made of and were they come from. My roots keep me standing in the wind and through the heavy storms. They feed me and nourish me, make me strong and support me and bind me to the earth and all that is there. All the time you are digging up my roots and pointing and shouting, dancing around in anger. You are hurting the tree cant you see? The tree does not hurt back. Standing there proud and tall, smiling and saying, "look at my pretty new leaves. cant you see? aren't you proud of my new leaves? don't you see how much I have grown, how beautiful Ive become?"
Why don't you just try, try to see my new leaves. Please bury the roots and just enjoy Me.
When you ripped up my roots was your plan to kill the new leaves because that is what you are doing, the tree is dying inside.

13 year old gives 25 year old 'Advice' Anger Ensues

Recently I had a major blow up with my family (more posts from my journal later) and my cousins thirteen year old daughter wrote me this after a Im going great. how are you doing? type of greeting.

Her misguided letter to me:
"well ur dating a complete duche u blew off ur WHOLE family for that duche so ur gonna miss grammies bday get abbused and all this other shit and ur telling me this is the best uve ever been? i love u and i want wharts best for u and brian isnt hes the worst guy and i know u can do WAY better than him and u should come back to ur family who actually LOVES AND CARES for u not 1 duche of a boyfriend what u do know is the biggest and most important decision of ur life and make it wisely"



My letter to her:
"WOW. You just totally went and fucking pissed me off. Seriously. wow. ummmm first off. Dont ever call Brian a douch. EVER! and second maybe you should ask if you have your facts right before you jump to conclusions. You seem to be listening to a lot of gossip and believe it. So dont even go there if you dont care to know the truth.
Why would I miss grandmas birthday? Am I not allowed to come now?
and I havent blown off my family. I was hanging out with them all night. My mother is the one who has been ignoring me and giving me the cold sholder. All because shes suddenly realized Im not a child anymore who will do whatever she says to please her.
Have you even met my amazingly romantic handsome fiance? Yes fiance!
Im happy. In love. and Im not going to let anyone, not even my parents or sister tell me who I can love or how I can act. I am my own person with my own wants and needs and my family just cant fill all those needs. I have a man that respects me, supports me, wants to see me grow and succed and hes going to do anything it takes to help me get what I want in life. Now does that sound like a douche to you?
Im going to be 25 here in a few weeks and my mom and sister seem to both think Im 16 and treat me like Im 13. Ive let them push me around and boss me around long enough. Im my own person and Im ready to take responsibility for my own life and become my own person. I seem to just be something bigger than they expected me to become so I no longer fit in that little box they have built for me. I dont care if they are not happy with my decisions. Im not on this earth to make them happy. All my life Ive done just that. molded myself to fit, acted to fit, shut my mouth and just let people walk all over me. Well Im tired of that. I want to be me and I want people to know me. Im tired of sitting in the corner and watching everyone else live happy lives. I want my happy life and Im going to get it not even my family will stand in my way. I really dont give a shit if they do show up to my wedding. I dont care if anyone in my family shows up. If its just me and Brian standing there in Vegas with Elvis as our witness I wont care because Ill have him. The man that fills my heart with joy, the man that fills my life with adventure, the man that makes me passionate about life and all the things I have yet to learn. He makes the best things in me alive and I feel more alive then Ive ever felt and im not loosing that because my sister thinks I can get a guy with a six pack and my mom thinks I can find someone younger. No matter what man I choose I wont make them both happy and who cares if there happy with my marrage. Im the one that should be happy with my man. Theres nobody else in that relationship. JUST ME AND HIM. thats it period.

Now that I went back and read the rest of your note Im even more offended. Did you just tell me to make this decision wisely? wtf? and abused? Who the hell ever said anything about abuse? What kind of abuse did they say? What kind of lies have you been hearing? Do you seriously think Im stupid? Seriously? You think I would be with someone abusive? Can you even see me in that type of relationship? Oooohhh I get it. its because my sister had a crappy abusive relationship I have to have one too now. wtf?
'Come back to a family that loves and cares for you' Obviously they dont love me or they would be happy for me. They would love me even if I told them off. Do you think my father would turn his back on me if I was getting any kind of abuse. I dont see love there. 'Oh your bf treats you like shit, ok well go do your thing, we dont want to have anything to do with you then. Go off and do whatever.' Thats bullshit weekness and stuckup pride is what that is. Not love and most deffinatly not support.
What do you think?

Wait. . and how did I blow off the WHOLE family? Im comfused but that. Do you mean because they 'forgot' to invite me last sunday? (and by forgot I mean intentionally didnt inform me of the trip so I wouldnt rightly so invite myself) Thats it right? You think I blew off my family because my mother couldnt let go off her pride and anger so she decided not to include me or speak to me for weeks. Thats me blowing off my family? I didnt blow anyone off. I got pushed to the side because I would no longer follow orders. Im sorry if me having a backbone offends you.

What evil drama has been spouting from those elder mouths around such young impressionable ears. Im not only offended but appalled. To get your facts straight my dear you must first go straight to the source because no one who was not in the room during the explosion knows first had what started the fire. Except the one person holding the match. So next time you hear about the smoke. Ask questions of the one holding that match instead of faning the flames of some elses heart."



Her REPLY:
"im sorry i said that right after that i regretted it im sorry i just heard that he cussed out ur mom and u guys stormed away and he made u choose between ur family and him im really sorry i shouldn't have said those things :( no u can still come to her bday party(: its just ur one of my favorite cousins and i care about u and i misunderstood it all and i shouldnt be judging someone i dont know i hope u can forgive me(:"




My Reply:
"Oh I wasnt mad 'at' you directly. I was mad about the rumors you were hearing and believeing. I didnt 'cuss out' my mother and he never said a word. Except when he was 'begging and pledding' with them to Listen to me. She wouldnt listen she kept turning everything around and twisting what I said. I got pissed and swore, not directly at her in any hurtful way just in an exastberated 'holy crap this is crazy' kind of way. Brian knows my family doesnt like him. He wanted me to leave him because he knows how important my family is to me. My family is the one making me choose. Trying to control me by controlling who I love. I chose him because hes the one not making me choose. I just want you to understand all you have heard ALL OF IT is lies. Lies that someone is spouting because they are angry the lost control of their child, who by the way has been an 'adult' for 8 years, they of course just notice. Mom said Brian is too smart and makes her feel stupid. He walked into her living room and before he was in the door she was screaming and waving telling him to 'get out' of her house. Said she felt attacked by him being there. I had to get between them so my mom wouldnt hit him. As Im blocking her she and I get in a hand slapping 'thing' (cat fight?) I tried to stay calm just so I could talk to her but at that point her ears were closed because her mouth was open and from then on through the rest of the night nothing was going to get through to her. So she and I have yet to talk because shes stuborn and mad that I wont do as Im told. They have no reason not to like Brian. Hes deathly allergic to cats (also dogs, dust, mold, grass, trees, weeds you name it) and so he cant go to there house. They dont believe me. Ask your mom how serious an epipen is? I carry one in my perse and we keep one in each car, we have a bunch in the house. Why? Because if he has an allergic reaction, he has to shove a giant needle in his leg so he lives through the ten minute drive to the ER. I consider this a 'very' Very Good Reason for not spending alot of time at my parents house. Dont you? and I dont think thats a good reason to dislike him. He is really really smart. If you heard him talk you would understand. I would in fact call him a Genius! I really genius. I often feel like Im living with a scientist/phyciatrist. Ive learned so much from him just listening to him talk. I know why mom felt he was too smart, he uses big words, some that Ive never heard before but its how his brain works and I love that about him. Now does he sound like and evil douch?"

I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood.

Mom and I stood on the front porch of our big white country house, complete with wrap around porch and detached garage. The large garden and cow pasture straight out in front of us. The sun rising warm and softly to the east on that frosty morning.

I stood with my arms crossed over my chest, leaning against a porch column, solem faced. I could smell the coffee and the breakfast bacon and sausage on his breathe as he kissed my cheek and gave me a sweet reasuring smile. Then Dad kissed mom goodbye just as he did every morning for awhile now. Mom and I stood there on the portch together and watched as he and the boys crawled into the big rusty old car, waving as they pulled out of the driveway.

It was the same as every morning. Day after day mom and I would stand on that big front porch and stare off into the country lost in our own thoughts, saying silent prayers that they would come safely home today. For some reason today felt different. It was freezing outside; the snow banks were tall and the roads were icy. The snow plow hadnt been by in days. Something was nagging and tugging on my soul. I waited a moment extra. . . . .nothing.

As I turned to go inside the house, I heard it. Screeching tires and a crash. Mom was instantly at the door in front of me. We made eye contact. Moms eyes filled with dread as she said, "I knew it." What we didnt expect was more screeching tires . . . another crash and then . . . another. Comfusion and fear flooded my head. As I ran around to the side of the house I heard more tire burns and more crashing.

As I rounded the side of the house and looked back out at the long winding steep hill that lead away from the house towards town, my blood frooze. Dads car was facing back down the hill, but it wasnt moving anymore. The nose was pushed deep into a snow bank. I could see Matts shoes up on the dash, shins pressed up against the windshield. I couldnt see dads face through the broken windshield, his head, on impact, must have been what shattered the glass.

Thats when I noticed him. Climbing out from behind the driver seat of the long old gold cadilac that sat mangled behind dads car was a really tall, well built good looking man, mid thirtys with dark hair, in a black trench coat. He took aim at the snow drifts along the side of the road. I saw what moved like a deer, running and jumping through the ditch and over the snow banks. With every fire, he'd duck but kept running faster. Beau!

I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood. I didnt have to look to know who put it there. I felt moms hand instantly at my back, silently pushing me forward. Gun aimed at the dark mysterious figure, I lurched forward, cautiously but quickly.

"Put the gun down or I swear I'll shoot you," I yelled. The evil man smirked when he spied mother and I. I didnt have to look I knew she was there at my side. As long as the attention was off Beau, I didnt care.

As Beau ducked behind a drift the crazed man took aim at me. I wanted to look at Beau to see if he was ok, but I couldnt loose eye contact with the gunman. I shot the man in the right leg, right through the shin. He fell slowly to his knees. He couldnt grasp his leg unless he dropped the gun. He tried to aim at me again, but by this time I had advanced closer. He dropped the gun unwillingly in defeat as I pressed the barrel of my gun to his forehead. I could hear the sizzle of his hot gun in the snow as it cooled.

I screamed at mom to bring some rope. I heard her scurry up behind me; she already had it. She tied the mans hands behind his back. I could see him staring at me waiting for the right moment. I felt his eyes on my soul, as if deciding if I would really shoot him. I held the gun square between his eyes as mom hog tied him. I desperatly wanted to look at Beau, but I couldnt break eye contact at this crucial moment.

I could see it in his eyes, the fight hadnt left him yet, to him this wasnt over yet. With all the fury in my blood it took everything I had not to shoot him right between the eyes. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted this to be over. I wanted him to feel pain. I just wanted this damn dream to be over.

"Beau? . . . . . . Beau Jeffery you answer me!!" I hollered still holding eye contact with the crazed man.

It felt like forever for mom to tie him but she wanted to do a real good job.

At my feet I felt a nudge and a faint, "Here." I sighed with relief.

Then I woke up.

Am I lost forever?

I could not with stand another trial. My emotional state is weakend. I have been deprived of emotional stimulation and love. Im not looking for a one night stand with a quick and temporary emotional healing of lust. Im searching for life long happiness; love that fills my soul with joy not darkness and dispair. If I were to endure one more heart ache my soul would be ripped to pieces. To be deprived and drained of your emotions, ideas and passion is an extremely exhausting process that leaves you cold, empty and bitter. I must find a way to get my soul back from wence it was stripped of me. The person I thought I was has disappeared and what is left is unrecognizable even to those who know me best. When this tribulation is over will i be able to get my mind back or will all those torturous and cruel things that have been inflicted apon me change me for the worse?

Theres this wall . . .

I have run into this wall that I just keep hitting my head against.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall that I've run into.
I've run into this wall.
I keep hitting my head.
It's dark.
There's this wall.
Grey.
Big concrete wall.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall.
There's no way around it.
There's this wall and now way to get through it.
I feel so alone.
There's this wall.
It's dark and I dont know what to do.
I'm not scared anymore just utterly frustrated and comfused.
There's this wall. . . .
What should I do?