You're only as pretty as you feel

No amount of makeup can cover the ugliness I feel. No hairstyle can make me feel better about my looks. No new outfit can make me feel better about myself. Whats on the outside does not reflect the person I think I am. I am my own worst enemy and my harshest critic. I dont feel attractive, well physically yes I'm not an ugly creature, but mentally and emotionally I'm a train wreck. If I cant make me happy how can I make you happy? Maybe thats why I enjoy my job so much. I spend my whole shift doing things for people, making them smile, making their day go smoother, adjusting the way the feel about people in this world. But what about me, no person could make me feel the way I once did. Only I can make myself feel happy to live life again.
I want to feel the rain, I want to feel innocent again, I want to be in that place again. I know I cant go back but I still think about the time I was in your arms and the first time we kissed. I think of all the things I should have said and the things I should have done for you. I know what it takes now, I cant explain it.
When I think of what I was and what I have become . . . If the '18 me' had met the 'me now' I dont think I would like what I am now. I think I would be extremly dissapointed with myself. It's not that I've done anything wrong but I cant say that I've done anything exactly right. Everthing that happens I dont ask for or even work for it just seems to fall in my lap, so what if I had tried harder or just tried at all? Would I be somewere else? Would I be happy with what I had? How does one accomplish what they want when they can't decide what that is?
Only I can change the way I portray the world. If only I could change the way the world portrays me.