The most exquisite prince.

He knows not what he has. He knows not what he possesses. Never cometh trouble in the likeness of his grace. He think of my love as a precious jewel and treasure it with all his being till the end of his time.

He speaks not with a slanderous tongue to his comrades for his words would fall like fire upon mine ears. Such evil thoughts and words would infect his soul and all that which possess his dreams. To consume him like the spirits. For I am not the harlot he slandered mine name to be. Be I not a maiden in thine eyes? For that tis what I wish to be known as in thine heart.
Silence. It is all that mine mind can contain. My silence most offends you. Thou I was raised to speak simple thoughts and to speak not the thoughts that hold weight or difference.
The love god hath passed me by. I in my waking find not a soul to pair with. I wish to hide me till God doth point him out to mine eyes. Tis a precious thing to only happen once and only to the sweet and pure in heart. Doth mine heart not deserve this? Or is thine heart nor desires from mine soul pure? Why hath men be the villain of mine story?

Is it not strange that the spirits from a liquid might open ones soul unto one another? I beg you, to know what thou hath to say unto me. My soul tis open to yours even if mine mind seem not.
Mine heart will rest and mine soul will weep though mine mind will not sleep for mine other half tis missing. So I will feel the pain in all its intensity. So when this tis over the happiness that will consume me will be mighty and powerful and be unto mine heart and soul worth every pain I hath ever felt.

Try to sleep now my lovers, as will I! I will see you upon the 'morrow!

Ado my Sweets! Ado!

Cold and Alone

As I open the door to the shower the heat leaves my tiny square space and the cold crisp air sneaks in. I feel the warm water drip down my back and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I get a chill as your face flashes through my mind. I wrap the dry towel around my dripping wet naked body not even bothering to dry myself. I step out and get a glimpse of my form in the foggy mirror. I imagine you standing there like you used to do, behind me, holding me about the waist smelling my hair and kissing my neck, but all that I feel is the cold damp air around me and the emptiness of the room. I thought I had used up all my tears in the hot burning water as I tried to feel, feel anything. The burning of my skin in the hot water detracted me for only a second but the sting faded as I went back to the pain I felt from your absence. A drop runs down my calf and I go to wipe it away but I can’t, it tickles just a little, it almost feels as though your hand is caressing my calf the way you used to when we snuggled. My bed is empty and lonely. I stand in the bright doorway of my bathroom and stare and the dark room before me with the empty untossed sheets, the perfectly made bed and remember you and all that we had together. I turn off the light and enter into the darkness. The towel drops to the floor and I crawl into bed, still wet and cold but uncaring. As I lie there cold and alone I think of you and cry myself to sleep and even though I sleep I still weep as I dream of what we had together.

When will this all end?

Just as I start getting over one I have to get over another. Will I ever be happy? How do I stop myself from talking about you? I remember when you were the only one for me. I know I can’t go back. I miss the way we made love. Why did I hold it all inside?
Care for him I do. Love him I always will. Though right for him I am not.
It all seemed to make sense. Good things in life are hard to find. We made something good. This love is killing me. When will it be over?
I hate the way my heart aches when I think of you. But I don't miss kissing you. I'm broken and you want to lick my wounds. You stand outside my window and wait for something bad to happen so you can rescue me. You want that gold star when you fix my problems. You wait till I'm sad and broken down, when I'm vulerable thats when you shine. Y0u love to see me cry it makes you feel stronger. When I think of it my fingers turn to fists. Soon you will be lying in your own blood by your own hands.
I'm going crazy thinking about you not being able to touch you. When will this all end?

I can't stop dreaming about this man I've never met

As I fall asleep I think of you and as I lay there sleeping I dream of you.
I’m lying in a garden next to a cabin that is nestled close to the trees to protect it from the wind. There is a big open field for a view, with mountains high up above the trees to shelter us. I lay there in the garden amongst the poppies, lilies and roses watching the sun go down. The stars light up the skies and I see moonbeams, they dance across your face. I wonder inside to check the fire and peer out the window to see you lying in the garden. I lean closer and try to hear your whispers. What was it you wished for on that falling star? You roll over in the dirt and catch me watching you. You look so handsome, strong and tan from the sun. You prop yourself up on your elbows and rest your chin on the palm of your hand and just lay there watching me as I’m watching you. You say nothing yet I know what you’re thinking. There is a questioning look in your eyes. I try to act confused by your questioning look and throw a playful change in the conversation. You see my face but don’t catch the words. I pull the curtains close hopping to hide my fear but you feel my pain and run to me. I hate the way my heart feels when I’m near you but I crave it just the same. I saw you as you walked across the room, looking out the window you saw the moon. I walk away from you and sit on the corner of the bed. I always wished for a perfect setting. Is this it? My heart seems sure and willing but my head is confused and scared. My hands are cold and shaky. I wake up in a sweat. I turn on the light and look for you but you're not there. You never were for you only come to me in my dreams.

Listen to what I'm not saying when I scream

I don't want someone to hold at night.
I don't want someone to talk to everyday.
I don't want someone to plan my life with.
I don't want a tall dark and handsome man.
What I want is
Just a man
with a big heart and a willing soul
who will trust me and love me
who will listen when I scream
to what I'm saying when I'm not speaking a word
and understands
I don't want things fixed or handled
I just want them understood
because they can't be fixed correctly by anyone but me
I have to do them myself
You may think you've come up with a plan
and fixed it for me
but that just creates more work
I have to tear apart what you did
only to discover I have to find another way different then yours
so to do it my way and not yours
even if your way was in fact my way in the first place

Maybe then . . .

I wish I could find someone who makes me feel the things men in movies make me feel. I'm that girl in the background, the extra, staring at the star wondering why I cant have what she has. I know what it's like not to have someone. I'm feeling that way right now. I'm always there for everyone else but when I hit rock bottom were do they all go. I do have people who will listen but when I sit down with them, they say talk and my mind goes blank. I do hope that woman in the movie finds what shes searching for but in the mean time I'll be searching for what I don't know. What I don't know is what I want. Life is far to complicated right now. I feel like my mind has ADD. There is so much going on I cant even concentrate. I'm starting to hate life but at the same time I love the challenge. If life could just calm down for a bit so I can search my unorganized brain for my sanity, then, but only then, could it continue on spinning and I might be able to, maybe if I'm lucky, get a grasp on lifes meaning. Maybe then I'll be happy for once. Just maybe.

What is with all these Bit**?

Here I am. Thought I had changed and grown so much. Thought I was changing myself for the better. Thought I was creating myself. So why is it that all of a sudden. There are random people stepping up and saying they hate me. Saying I'm fat and ugly and have the worst wardrobe ever? Saying I'm to young to know what I want, telling me I'm confused. Thinking I'm playing with everyone's heart? Thinking I'm out to hurt and destroy. What did I ever do to them?
Ok so maybe I weigh a lot more than your 5' 1" 92lb ass, at least I have an ass to shake. Which, I think, is why woman have an ass, because the body is to be sensual and sexually attractive. Look at belly dancing, the sexiest and in your opinion cubby, the most beautiful women. As for my wardrobe, I'm eclectic. One day I'm in jeans, tennis shoes, a zip up, a ball cap and "kick your ass attitude" and the next I'm in bright red heels, capris, a polka dot top and a "perfect pinup smile." No one ever told me I was 'cute' so they couldn't have lied to me. Don't put a label on me thats the fast way to get on my bad side, you wont like it over there. Trust me on this. Step up. Take the heat. Stop taking the easy way out. Get something accomplished in life. Create yourself. Become the person you wish you were. We only have life to live. So why don't we just live it?
Maybe I am too young to understand. Maybe I am indecisive. Maybe you do have bigger boobs and a better smile. Maybe you do have more to offer. Maybe you do have more to give. But my heart is strong and I won't let go of what I love. Too young you say. I love learning. I'm a fast learner. You were right were I am at one time. Maybe you made some bad decisions. Maybe you're jealous because I haven't made the same ones. But trust me I've made a lot. You think I'm indecisive? Isn't everyone? I am a logical thinker. It takes me a little bit longer to come to a decision but that's because I don't jump out there with my heart. As for the boobs and looks you got. Yeah you got them but so do a lot of other people. I'm beautiful in my own way. No one can take that away from me. I will always be me. I will always be what I want to be. I will always overcome. I will always conquer. I will succeed.
From one day to the next my outfit is never the same much like my personality, like my attitude, like my sense of humor. That's the beauty of life. If you don't like how your day went yesterday change tomorrow.
I will not let your mouthy words, your let downs, your spoiled ways and your hurtful anger get to me. I am loved by the ones that matter. You don't love me therefore you no longer matter. I'm through with people who will walk on me just because they know I will let them. I'm sensitive and caring. I wont hurt you even if you hurt me on purpose I would still hurt myself before I let pain come to you and you don't like me and I don't even know you but that's the person I am. Don't like it. Walk away. I'll still be here when you need me. But if you cant stand to look at me or hear my voice. Then don't stand around to listen to it.

Epiphany - a sudden intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or meaning of something

I fell asleep less then 5 hours ago so imagine my surprise when the phone rings. The funny thing is the minute my eyes opened and saw the sun an odd thing happened, I smiled. I saw the sun and was actually excited to be awake. It's been along time since that happened. I can actually name the day that last happened. May 22nd, I know because I took pictures on my phone that beautiful morning and that picture is still the background on my phone. Why the sudden happiness after all my depressing thoughts? Well a thought dawned on me yesterday. When the sun rises in the morning the new day is a gift. Something that is not decided for me, something for me to do with whatever I want. I realized I don't need to find myself or my place on this earth, because everyday who I am is different and the path I take is different. Why go looking for myself when I'm right here? I'm not something I need to find. *scoff* How silly of me. I'm something to create. I'm can be whatever I want to be and danmit I'm going to let that artist hiding inside out to create the coolest person I know Me!
Have a beautiful day my pretties!! I know I will! MWAH!!
P.S. I slept for 5.4 hours. I know because that's how long the playlist on itunes is that I started before crawling into bed. Haha Odd!

Bloody and Bandaged the Blood seeps through. I can not hide it anymore.

As I sit here and think of you. I dream of what I thought we could have. I recall my love for you. I recall my sacrifices. I can’t even think of sleep. I’m not even tired. I hear a bird chirping and I have yet to crawl into bed. I open the blinds and I see a new day starting. The sky behind the hills is beginning to shine in a brilliant pink. I listen to the little robin outside my window. It tells me I was not wrong. It tells me that your heart wasn’t in it in the first place. I realize how stupid I was to ignore your hints. I think I knew about her all along. I just didn’t want to believe it. The bird flies away and I stare at the sky, as it lights up, in disbelief. As the sun rises and warms my face a thought dawns on me. She thought all along we were just friends. She thought you were all alone. She didn’t know about me, you told her we were just friends. My thoughts are now in a race with the sun. Through your confusion you added her to the twist. I know that you have been talking to her for almost a year. You hid her from me so you could pursue something with her. I’m hurt and I’m ashamed that I never noticed. I was a tool. I was a stepping stone. As I watched the two of you together I had nothing but hate for myself. I could have died right there and not put up a fight. Yet. . . . . . yet here I sit nearly six hours later and realize you’ve talked with her, bonded with her, and loved her all along. And it pains me to think of how stupid I was. Stupid to give my heart to someone who didn’t have what it took to hold it. It will be a long time before I can trust another person to hold my heart because I will have a fear of what that person is hiding from me. Everyone has a secret. She just happened to be yours.
The sun has risen, I feel the dew on my face. I wrap myself up and wonder back inside. Able to live with myself again. Able to breathe again. Able to feel again. I can feel my heart. I feel my heart in my hands. My hands covered in blood. My own blood. Its an open wound. Open and raw. Raw from the vigorous cleaning I put it through. Hoping. . . . . hoping I could make it look inviting to you. But now I wrap it. The bandage soaked in my blood. I tuck it away. I try to hide it. But the blood seeps through again. It will heal one day. But there will always be a scar. A scar that you put there. And it will always . . . . always . . . remind me of you.

I Thought Wrong

Here I thought I was strong. Here I thought I could take on the world. I thought life was perfect. I thought life could be the fairy tale I wanted and for a while it was. What did I do wrong? Why was I so stupid? I thought I had you. I thought you had me. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we would have the world in the palm of our hand. I thought we would sit and watch the waves roll in till we were 82. But I thought wrong. I guess I've always been wrong about us. I thought we were perfect. I thought we were a couple. I thought we could conquer anything the world threw at us. But again I thought wrong. I wasn't strong enough. I didn't love enough. I didn't hug enough. I didn't kiss enough. I didn't cuddle enough. I didn't talk enough. I didn't listen enough. I didn't remember enough. I didn't share enough. I shared my life. I shared my thoughts. I shared my dreams. I shared my fears. I shared my pains and my gains. But it wasn't enough. I guess I never will be. I guess I'm just a broken down fool without a heart to give or a soul to share. I guess I'll never be enough to be loved.

Just Maybe

Talk with her as you talked with me.

Play with her as you played with me.

Cook with her a you cooked with me.

Eat with her as you ate with me.

Love her as you loved me.

Kiss her as you kissed me.

Spoil her as you spoiled me.

Fuck her as you fucked me.

Maybe, just maybe, she will come close to knowing the love I feel for you.

I threaten to break legs but what I do is break hearts

It seems that's all I do in my life is break hearts. I guess that's what I was put on this earth to do. But while I was breaking your heart my heart was already destroyed. My heart is too broken and confused to be handled by anyone. So I'm going to lock it away. Maybe forever. Maybe no one I meet will know I have one. Maybe everone who ever thought they knew me will forget I ever had one. So destroy me know while you have the chance. Destroy me so I can never hurt again. I'm sorry you got stuck in my path of destruction. I'm going down. I fall fast and hard but I bouce back quick, weather from the floor or reality. I always bounce back.

I feel no more.

I'm through with life. When will it end? Or am I just waiting for it to begin. I'm tired of not knowing. Tired of not feeling. Tired of not knowing what's around the corner. Tired of being scared. Tired of hurting loved ones. Tired of getting hurt. I need to be challenged. I need to be inspired. I need to discover what it is in this world that I want. I'm sick of this cage, sick of this cocoon, sick of this leash, sick of being chained to the wall in the dark dingy dungeon that I've stuck myself in. I no longer what to live in fear of what people will think or how they will feel. What is this I feel? Why can't I read my own feelings? Why can't I feel with my own heart? Why am I angry for what was done? I couldn't have changed it if I tried. Could I have felt more? Could I have proved myself? What is love? What is life worth? Why do I let my head control my life? Why can't I use my heart to express my feelings? Why can't I feel the joy of my creations or the love in my actions? Why can't I feel the difference from a look of love and a look of lust? Why can't I feel? Why do I not feel? Why am I empty? Why am I different? Why do people love but never feel my loved in return? What is it they are doing to show the love they feel? Why does it have to be so obvious to some but a mystery to others? My life is cluttered. It's messy and confusing. I'm lost and searching. But I won't find what I'm searching for until I do a little cleaning. My heart is so stuffed with thoughts and feelings. My emotions tucked so deeply inside. I've hid them away for so long. I'm not sure how they will weather the storm that’s ahead. So I pray that you take me under down to the depths of the sea. Where nothing can reach me. Where I won’t need the air. So I can hide away and forget what it is to feel. For I guess I never felt anything at all. Because I'm not feeling anything right now. No loneliness. No despair. No guilt. No stress. No pleasure. No not even pain. Here I am. Do what you wish. For I'm giving up the struggle to win.

"Experiencing Life in All Its Intesity"

Life has intensity? I never really realize before but I guess it does, different grades, levels, pressures, work, family, school, emotions, relationships, down time, cram time, race time. Its all there. So why am I running so fast yet not feeling the satisfaction of moving anywere when all I have done in the last six months is progressed or should I say pressed on, moved forward even though I didnt want to. Life. Its a big fucking mess that everone enjoys getting their hands dirty in but nobody has any soap. Its a big fucking mess thats all its is.

It must be the end of me

Why? All day my mistakes are all I could think of. As I sit and stare out the window I think about what I have done and what I should have done, I think of what I didnt do, the things I would take back, all the things I would do differently if I could just take a step back. I wish I could leave my body just so I watch myself and correct myself and kick myself. It would be so much more efficient than chewing and killing myself from the inside out for all the mistakes I have made. Every day I curse myself for the wrong I've done to you. Every day I hate myself more for the stupid things I have thought and done. Every day I cut my own soul for feeling and shun myself for needing something I myself threw to the side. I hate myself for the mistakes I've made and since there is no going back. I am stuck in this misery for eternity for my own stupidity and judgement. So it would actually be better if you hated me too. For that would be more painful than what I am doing to myself and maybe with that emotion from you my soul would feel its punishment and indulge in repentance, so it could finally wither away and have feeling no more. So grant me this one last wish before your soul departs from mine and end the misery within me so my heart can beat with yours one last time, just hate me or crush me so the hope no longer lives, because hope will be there even when the hurt and pain kills my soul, so kill the hope if you cant stop the pain.

I gave my all to give you your flight

As the depression sets in I feel the room spin.

What did I ever do to feel this way?

Memories of my past invade my mind.

They haunt as if they aim to torture.

I can't even find the section of my mind that holds our happy memories.

In anger I went in and set the files a flame.

Thinking it would bring pain to you.

But you do not know what it is that I feel.

For I feel like a stone on your path.

One you used, not to conquer but to uplift yourself.

Your spirit now soars.

My flesh caught in your talons as you took off.

As I lay here in my blood.

I don't feel the pain.

Not even the anger that you left behind from your dust.

I look up to the skies.

Hoping to catch a glimpse of you.

But nothing but a lonely feather falls.

It comes close to my wilting frame.

I reach up to grab it.

My arms do not move.

I no longer have the strength to protect you.

A hunter with a gun.

Takes aim.

But I'm already gone.

I cannot protect you anymore.

I role over in my blood.

I try to stand.

He never meant to hurt me.

But I stepped in the way.

The bullet brought me down.

I watched you fly away.

There is no blood now.

I have nothing left to give.

For I gave my all in your flight.

To many Cooks spoil the Soup . . .

and to many boys in my heart spoil my dreams.

I need freedom to use my mind, to learn as much as possible and to become as competent as possible, by accumulating information and skills. Life is something to be explained. I need to find the meaning and significance on my own. I want my life to matter. I want to discover my true self and make a difference in this world. There is a thirst for adventure but I rarely take the time for the slow pleasures of life. I am a perfectionist and some consider me a “workaholic” but what others consider ‘work’ I think of as ‘play’. I’m a curious one; I love to learn new things. Knowledge is power, there is always something else out there to study or discover, it’s the only motivation I need. I learn best from reading and independent research. I’m very exact in problem solving, which is probably why I’m so good at video and computer games. Although, I tend to over think situations the goal, eventually, is accomplished. Once that happens I lose interest and move on.
I tend to make decisions with my head rather than my heart, so I come off as unemotional and insensitive, but my feelings run deep and strong. I’m not known for romantic gestures or self-expression. I’m very private about my thoughts and feelings. I seek unity with others and sometimes lose myself in what they want me to be. That’s why I love my alone time. People get attached to me then I’m gone. Although I believe in true love, perfect forever love. I bring drama, but with it warmth and empathy.
As a child, I was communicative, artistic and imaginative, always asking “Why?” Now I have very little respect for authority, and reach my own conclusions. I hate repeating myself so once I’ve made my feelings clear it’s difficult for me to continue to express myself to someone. That’s probably why I get my feelings hurt a lot. Sometimes I’m too sensitive to others feelings, I have a knack for making others feel comfortable and accepted. I’m hardest on myself, I set very high standards of performance and expect and sometimes demand the same level of competence in others. My decisions are objective, using logic and reason.

Things that frustrate me to no end: routines, small talk, violence, plagiarism, illogical arguments, social functions and last but not least incompetence.

Things I love to do to frustrate others: not being sociable, blowing up when overly criticized, insensitive, ignoring the rules, lack of follow-through, impatient, lack understanding in emotional issues, impulse buying, not going with the flow, independent, argumentative, and sometimes arrogant.

If you want to start a fight with me here is how you start problems: incompetence, emotional displays, make a hasty decision without information, negative criticism, force me to speech before I’ve had the opportunity to think it through, crush my independence, bore me, or keep me on a need-to-know basis.

You're only as pretty as you feel

No amount of makeup can cover the ugliness I feel. No hairstyle can make me feel better about my looks. No new outfit can make me feel better about myself. Whats on the outside does not reflect the person I think I am. I am my own worst enemy and my harshest critic. I dont feel attractive, well physically yes I'm not an ugly creature, but mentally and emotionally I'm a train wreck. If I cant make me happy how can I make you happy? Maybe thats why I enjoy my job so much. I spend my whole shift doing things for people, making them smile, making their day go smoother, adjusting the way the feel about people in this world. But what about me, no person could make me feel the way I once did. Only I can make myself feel happy to live life again.
I want to feel the rain, I want to feel innocent again, I want to be in that place again. I know I cant go back but I still think about the time I was in your arms and the first time we kissed. I think of all the things I should have said and the things I should have done for you. I know what it takes now, I cant explain it.
When I think of what I was and what I have become . . . If the '18 me' had met the 'me now' I dont think I would like what I am now. I think I would be extremly dissapointed with myself. It's not that I've done anything wrong but I cant say that I've done anything exactly right. Everthing that happens I dont ask for or even work for it just seems to fall in my lap, so what if I had tried harder or just tried at all? Would I be somewere else? Would I be happy with what I had? How does one accomplish what they want when they can't decide what that is?
Only I can change the way I portray the world. If only I could change the way the world portrays me.

Do you need me?

I love it when you say you want to hold me
I love it when you tell me you miss me
I love it when you just want to be with me
I love it when you tell me I'm beautiful
I love it when you . . .
dont hold back your fellings
cant wait to see me
ask me to spend the night so you can hold me
take the time to get to know my friends
go to dinner with me and my parents
When you say you need me like a flower needs water I feel your thirst
When you tell me you need me like you need air to breathe I feel your urgency
I need you like a kitten needs its mother
I need you like the river needs the rain
I'll run to you like the ocean meets the shore
and thats were we shall stay forever more

The Number 5

I'm OCD and I have a thing for the number five. At work I takes me five minutes to do tables and chairs, and the chairs are stacked by five and there are 10 tables, one on top of the other is five. I wash my car five times. I steep my tea five minutes. I do everything in five. There are even five things on this list, without trying I might add. I'm weird I know. So I've heard. Anyway here is five things of five, thought I'd post it. Enjoy!

5 foods you think are gross:
1. Lima Beans (F* sick)
2. Bread Pudding (bread just shouldnt be soggy)
3. Rice Pudding (rasins? and hard rice? why? this is sooo wrong)
4. Fat on Meat (please dont eat that in front of me *barf*)
5. Tapioca Pudding (pudding is not to be crunchy or chewed)

5 places you'd want to go on vacation in the U.S.:I know, not all the US. I dont really want to see the US. OK? Just were I want to vacation!
1. Paris, Venice, Italy, Rome (anywhere in Europe, Honeymoon?)
2. Hawaii
3. Disney -land -world (all of the Resort and theme parks)
4. Ireland (would like to find some realitives)
5. Pennsylvania (I wanna see my Papas church)

5 jobs you'd hate:
1. Teacher (I cant work with kids, ever)
2. Military (I cant shoot and I cant watch movies with shooting)
3. Receptionist (i dont answer my own phone why would I answer someone elses)
4. Zoo keeper (I like smelling like coffee not . . . whatever)
5. Mob (I woudnt last 2 mins)

5 movies that are currently out that you wanna see in the theaters:
1. I dont really watch movies
2. Not even at home
3. I dont even know whats playing in theaters
4. I love BW movies
5. theres no swearing and no one gets shot . . not graphically

5 places you love to shop:
1. the bead store
2. the book store
3. Ebay (i love vintage clothing)
4. Micheals (art supplies)
5. Ross (clothes for work)(did I mention I wasnt much of a shopper)

I didnt ask you for your life story so get out of my face

I didnt ask your life story
I dont care who is dating who
I didnt ask if you like my clothes
I didnt ask were you got your shoes
I didnt ask for your thoughts on the war
I didnt ask were and who you work out with
I didnt ask for you to hold my hand and console me
I dont care who is getting to thin or who has gotten fat
I didnt ask you to include me in your gossipy conversation
I dont care what she did to her hair or who he is sleeping with now
Really . . .
I dont care . . .
Do I look like I do?
I dont care who shaved their head or who claims to be the father
Do I look like I need to talk bad about people to make myself feel better?
Im not interested in what new movies are out, there are so many old ones I have not seen yet.
Dont ask me about my life, its none of your business who I'm seeing or who I'm hanging out with.
Dont ask me how my parents are and what they're up to if you dont even know their names or even know what they look like. Yet again None of your Business.
Seriously . . .
Im not interested in sharing my life story with someone who doesnt remotely care about my feelings or asspurations. I'm not against getting to know people, dont get me wrong. I just wont stand there and talk to a blabbering wall who isnt really taking in my thought and is just speaking so they can hear their own voice. Please just get the fuck out of my face and leave me alone before I end up breaking your nose.
Thank you.
My rant is done.

Thinking Things Through

I think half my problem is that Im in love with being in love, so I fall to fast without really falling for the guy just falling for the feelings I have. Does that make sence? I did in my head, haha.
And when I do fall I find myself thinking is this really what I want and its not, I'm just there because I'm lonely, so I have to walk away. I find myself compairing everything to the one thing that I lost and I dont even know if thats what I really want in the first place. We were so wrong for each other but it felt so right. He really was my true love, my first love. So are personallities clashed when we were together it was like being in heaven. Even though we argued about everything, and our views on the issues and the world couldnt be more opposite we couldnt have been happier.
Its been one of those days, were the snows on the ground so no one comes out of those little holes in the walls. So work was slow, which means I had way too much time to think. I was sent on my lunch and I didnt want to go, because behind the counter there is always something to clean or prepare. But lunch, that entails sitting alone at a small table with coffee or tea in hand staring out the window and thinking. Its amazing how long a half hour feels when you dont want to be there.