'The two step-sisters' they laugh at me and call me Cinderella. They think I have a bad life because I cook and clean, because I work hard in life.
Their lives are easy. They have subservient men, who tend to their every need and wish. Sweet, kind men, who are handsome and strong, men they do not deserve. The 'step-sisters' sit on their pedestal all day staring at themselves in the mirror. Dwelling on thoughts of youth and beauty, which is fading fast. Causing them to become cruel and bitter.
While I study hard. My mind full of physics, psychology, literature and art. My other half, he treats me as his equal. He doesn't kiss my feet or brush my hair. He loves me for my strength, my independence and my mind. He may not bring me breakfast in bed or wash my car. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
I've been in that relationship. When the man kisses the ground I walk on. I've been up on that pedestal. I was bored and put off by his actions of appraisal and I ended up despising him and hating his love for me.
How can you be happy up there? Are you that vain that you need constant admiration and approval. Is it insecurity that causes you to treat your man so badly?
I need no ones approval but my own. I enjoy cooking. I love to clean. Sometimes he cooks, sometimes he does the dishes, but I hold no power over him and he holds no power over me. We are equals. We walk beside each other in life, hand in hand. I don't dwell on youth and beauty. I concentrate on furthering my knowledge and building my character.
What fate awaits the evil 'step-sisters' well, karma hits them hard. For their wickedness and malice, their ill tempered, disagreeable nature. They are very unhappy in life. In many versions they meet a gruesome death or some horrible fate. Cinderella, on the other hand, lives happily ever after with her prince who is as charming as he is handsome. No, I am not hurt by you calling me Cinderella, though you do mean it as a hurtful name. I am content with my little chair by the fire, where I sit and read throughout the night. And I am very much in love with my prince charming, who is my best friend, my right hand, my equal.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Sunday, October 3, 2010
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Friday, June 18, 2010
Sunset on the Columbia River
The birds are singing their sweet evening songs, as the sun lowers in the sky, turning the clouds golden yellow. Sparrows sail slowly and gracefully over my head. As the river laps at the shore and little fish bob to the surface for an evening snack of water bugs. This has always been my favorite time of day. It must be the sounds and the bright colors. I'm surrounded only by birds song and the wind rustling through the leaves. The sky is bursting into every color of the rainbow, ever changing. It's a different color every time I glance up to look at it. The clouds seem to be moving towards the sun as if attracted to it, like a moth to the flame. The wind picks up and a breeze smelling like the ocean rushes in up the river. I'm reminded of a passage in John Muir's “A Wind-Storm in the Forests.”
“The winds go up every tree, fingering every leaf and branch and furrowed bole; not one is forgotten; the Mountain Pine towering with outstretched arms on the rugged buttresses of the icy peaks, the lowliest and most retiring tenant of the dells; they seek and find them all, caressing them tenderly, bending them in lusty exercise, stimulating their growth, plucking off a leaf or limb as required, or removing an entire tree or grove, now whispering and cooing through the branches like a sleepy child, now roar like the ocean; the winds blessing the forests, the forests the winds, with ineffable beauty and harmony as the sure result” (Norton 251).
I've seen many things in this river; seals, cranes, geese, ducks, sail boats and large ships carrying logs or filled with grains. I understand now how Crevecoeur saw nature never “without wonder.” I feel that way now too, my favorite thing though would be the colors that swirl in the rivers ripples and peaks as the sun is setting. The clouds above turn baby pink and the river below mimics it. Giving the river the appearance of pink icing on a cake. I wish I could describe this view as well as Crevecoeur could describe nature around him. The line I remember best is when he said that, “nature has profusely lavished her most splendid colours, the most perfect azure, the most beautiful gold, the most dazzling red are forever contrast and help to embellish the plumes.” I wish I could see things through his eyes and know what colours he saw at that moment.
The river is very calm right now, the tide must be going out. I can tell because the fishing boats at the dock are pulling taut on their front ropes while the rear ties lay with slack. The boats rock softly in the gentle flowing currant as the clouds above explode in a hot pink cotton candy fluff. A bald eagle flies up river, then up towards the tops of the trees returning home after a long day of hunting and sailing. It's amazing how soothing and peaceful a sunset set to the soundtrack of a dozen different birds singing a song no one but I will ever hear but me. I sit silently, startled by the honking of a crane as he flies upriver, just inches above the water. He's landed somewhere just a few yards from me behind some bushes but I cant see him for now. He's probably laying in wait for the finches to stop arguing in the tree above his nest before he ambles on home. Who knows what finches argue about. He's given up on going home and flies further up river. So low and so close to me I can see his eyes. I wish had taken a picture but he flew so gracefully by I couldn't take my eyes off him and his majestic blue, gray feathers.
There's a cat wondering down the shore, moving closer and closer to the river. He pauses ever few steps to listen to the finches and sparrows. He settles himself below the tree of arguing finches, his body silhouetted by the setting sun. I'm curious what the finches are arguing about. I know I'm being completely anthropomorphic in stating this, but it doesn't sound like a pleasant conversation. They are speaking louder and faster, not allowing the other to get a sound in. They seem to be talking over each other. The only breaks in the yelling is when one flies down from the tree as if falling, pulling up from his nose dive only at the very last minute. The little finch flies across the river, then down the river only to return to the same tree to argue again. This time with quicker peeps and more forcefully squawks. I think maybe he flies away from the tree to clear his head so he can think of a better comeback. He leaves the tree again screeching this time. I wonder why till I notice that she is chasing him. They return to the tree only to squawk at each other some more. Maybe she feels he isn't bringing home enough worms for the baby chicks.
When I sat down, out here by the river, I felt silly and wondered if someone might walk up behind me. Perhaps they would wonder what I am doing way out here all on my own but the gentle lapping of the river on the shore and the setting sun have relaxed me. I feel quite comfortable, nestled in the sand among the bushes. The sun is almost set and even the arguing birds have quieted down. The robins seem to have forgotten I'm here. Maybe because its getting dark now that the sun has set. I say they have forgotten because their flying quickly by me, so close I straighten up and brace myself for the coming impact. They take a sharp turn away from me just as I brace myself. Maybe it's my movement that reminds them that I'm still here or perhaps they are just playing games with me.
The moon is getting brighter and the clouds are getting darker. The crane I was hoping to see again still has not returned, much to my dismay. I've always been drawn to him, since he's such a quite bird with a seemingly private life. Though I'm sure my attraction to him in no way compares to Muir's relationship with the water ouzel. While Muir's water ouzel is always happily singing and frolicking about, my crane is lumbering slowing with silent movements. Perhaps the type of bird a person is drawn to says a lot about their personality. Much like an owner and their dogs.
The trees are now black and the clouds look like lumpy blue cotton balls. All collecting around the hole in the sky where the sun disappeared into. There is a halo of light encircling the moon, like a keyhole into another dimension. The water is clear now and sparkles like diamonds, reflecting the bright moon, like a traffic light on a puddle. There is an eerie silence now that all the birds have settled in for the night. Even the river is creeping silently. It's getting late, the bugs are nibbling at my neck and my fingers are getting cold. I should probably head home now but want to see that crane again. Maybe another time. I will definitely return to this special spot again just to wait for him to appear, because I know he will return. I just have to be patient and wait. Like Emerson said, “Nature ever flows, stands never still.”
“The winds go up every tree, fingering every leaf and branch and furrowed bole; not one is forgotten; the Mountain Pine towering with outstretched arms on the rugged buttresses of the icy peaks, the lowliest and most retiring tenant of the dells; they seek and find them all, caressing them tenderly, bending them in lusty exercise, stimulating their growth, plucking off a leaf or limb as required, or removing an entire tree or grove, now whispering and cooing through the branches like a sleepy child, now roar like the ocean; the winds blessing the forests, the forests the winds, with ineffable beauty and harmony as the sure result” (Norton 251).
I've seen many things in this river; seals, cranes, geese, ducks, sail boats and large ships carrying logs or filled with grains. I understand now how Crevecoeur saw nature never “without wonder.” I feel that way now too, my favorite thing though would be the colors that swirl in the rivers ripples and peaks as the sun is setting. The clouds above turn baby pink and the river below mimics it. Giving the river the appearance of pink icing on a cake. I wish I could describe this view as well as Crevecoeur could describe nature around him. The line I remember best is when he said that, “nature has profusely lavished her most splendid colours, the most perfect azure, the most beautiful gold, the most dazzling red are forever contrast and help to embellish the plumes.” I wish I could see things through his eyes and know what colours he saw at that moment.
The river is very calm right now, the tide must be going out. I can tell because the fishing boats at the dock are pulling taut on their front ropes while the rear ties lay with slack. The boats rock softly in the gentle flowing currant as the clouds above explode in a hot pink cotton candy fluff. A bald eagle flies up river, then up towards the tops of the trees returning home after a long day of hunting and sailing. It's amazing how soothing and peaceful a sunset set to the soundtrack of a dozen different birds singing a song no one but I will ever hear but me. I sit silently, startled by the honking of a crane as he flies upriver, just inches above the water. He's landed somewhere just a few yards from me behind some bushes but I cant see him for now. He's probably laying in wait for the finches to stop arguing in the tree above his nest before he ambles on home. Who knows what finches argue about. He's given up on going home and flies further up river. So low and so close to me I can see his eyes. I wish had taken a picture but he flew so gracefully by I couldn't take my eyes off him and his majestic blue, gray feathers.
There's a cat wondering down the shore, moving closer and closer to the river. He pauses ever few steps to listen to the finches and sparrows. He settles himself below the tree of arguing finches, his body silhouetted by the setting sun. I'm curious what the finches are arguing about. I know I'm being completely anthropomorphic in stating this, but it doesn't sound like a pleasant conversation. They are speaking louder and faster, not allowing the other to get a sound in. They seem to be talking over each other. The only breaks in the yelling is when one flies down from the tree as if falling, pulling up from his nose dive only at the very last minute. The little finch flies across the river, then down the river only to return to the same tree to argue again. This time with quicker peeps and more forcefully squawks. I think maybe he flies away from the tree to clear his head so he can think of a better comeback. He leaves the tree again screeching this time. I wonder why till I notice that she is chasing him. They return to the tree only to squawk at each other some more. Maybe she feels he isn't bringing home enough worms for the baby chicks.
When I sat down, out here by the river, I felt silly and wondered if someone might walk up behind me. Perhaps they would wonder what I am doing way out here all on my own but the gentle lapping of the river on the shore and the setting sun have relaxed me. I feel quite comfortable, nestled in the sand among the bushes. The sun is almost set and even the arguing birds have quieted down. The robins seem to have forgotten I'm here. Maybe because its getting dark now that the sun has set. I say they have forgotten because their flying quickly by me, so close I straighten up and brace myself for the coming impact. They take a sharp turn away from me just as I brace myself. Maybe it's my movement that reminds them that I'm still here or perhaps they are just playing games with me.
The moon is getting brighter and the clouds are getting darker. The crane I was hoping to see again still has not returned, much to my dismay. I've always been drawn to him, since he's such a quite bird with a seemingly private life. Though I'm sure my attraction to him in no way compares to Muir's relationship with the water ouzel. While Muir's water ouzel is always happily singing and frolicking about, my crane is lumbering slowing with silent movements. Perhaps the type of bird a person is drawn to says a lot about their personality. Much like an owner and their dogs.
The trees are now black and the clouds look like lumpy blue cotton balls. All collecting around the hole in the sky where the sun disappeared into. There is a halo of light encircling the moon, like a keyhole into another dimension. The water is clear now and sparkles like diamonds, reflecting the bright moon, like a traffic light on a puddle. There is an eerie silence now that all the birds have settled in for the night. Even the river is creeping silently. It's getting late, the bugs are nibbling at my neck and my fingers are getting cold. I should probably head home now but want to see that crane again. Maybe another time. I will definitely return to this special spot again just to wait for him to appear, because I know he will return. I just have to be patient and wait. Like Emerson said, “Nature ever flows, stands never still.”
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Star Whale
with skin the color of deep space
the body of a seal
with spots that shine like stars
the tusks like a walrus
that glisten like polished steel
the tail like octopus tentacles
changes colors like the aurora borealis
minty green, to lush lavender, to deep pink
it swims with ease through the stars
as if they were majestic crashing waves
passing space ships as if they were tiny fish
the most gentle loving creature
the tales he could tell of other galaxy's
the sights he has seen from the dying stars to the birth of planets
the star whale
the tour guide for the universe
with skin the color of deep space
the body of a seal
with spots that shine like stars
the tusks like a walrus
that glisten like polished steel
the tail like octopus tentacles
changes colors like the aurora borealis
minty green, to lush lavender, to deep pink
it swims with ease through the stars
as if they were majestic crashing waves
passing space ships as if they were tiny fish
the most gentle loving creature
the tales he could tell of other galaxy's
the sights he has seen from the dying stars to the birth of planets
the star whale
the tour guide for the universe
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I hurt when Im away from you but when Im near you, you cause me pain.
How does one go about separating them self from something that causes them pain but that they love very much.
So much drama, so much love, so much hatred, so much pain, so much emotion, so much guilt, so much pride, so much connection, so much in common, its too much. There is no equality, no passion, no confiding, no agreeing, only arguing and battling. Even when I agree with you, you fight me. I try to help, to aid, to inspire but you think there is sinister evil thoughts behind my loving actions. You seek to see what I have hidden when I hide nothing. You search for motive behind my loving actions. You hear an evil tone in my soothing sweet voice. You feel hatred in my loving embrace. I show you compassion and see it as a form of weekness. You twist my every word into something it is not just to hurt me and fight me.
I need to be disconnected from you because you cause me pain, but it pains me to disconnect from you. Free me from your guilt trips. Let me loose from you manipulating grasp. I have had enough of you stepping on my fingers while I am hanging from the edge of a cliff. Stop expecting me to make the same mistakes you or my siblings have made. Let me, please, let me make my 'own' mistakes.
Let me go from you hurtful grasp or I will be forced to flee.
So much drama, so much love, so much hatred, so much pain, so much emotion, so much guilt, so much pride, so much connection, so much in common, its too much. There is no equality, no passion, no confiding, no agreeing, only arguing and battling. Even when I agree with you, you fight me. I try to help, to aid, to inspire but you think there is sinister evil thoughts behind my loving actions. You seek to see what I have hidden when I hide nothing. You search for motive behind my loving actions. You hear an evil tone in my soothing sweet voice. You feel hatred in my loving embrace. I show you compassion and see it as a form of weekness. You twist my every word into something it is not just to hurt me and fight me.
I need to be disconnected from you because you cause me pain, but it pains me to disconnect from you. Free me from your guilt trips. Let me loose from you manipulating grasp. I have had enough of you stepping on my fingers while I am hanging from the edge of a cliff. Stop expecting me to make the same mistakes you or my siblings have made. Let me, please, let me make my 'own' mistakes.
Let me go from you hurtful grasp or I will be forced to flee.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I Am Not The Me That You Know I Am A Tree
I may have been at one time very close to the idea you have of me but as time goes and nature vs nurture comes into play its only natural that a person changes. Holding onto your ideas and your insights of a person is fine but keep an open heart and be mindful of their changes, no matter how long you have known them.
People are trees. We have roots of personality, those things that will always be there deep beneath the surface, the reactions and feelings we were born with but what every one sees is our leaves and we don't keep our leaves forever. When you meet a person you see their leaves in all the colors of their personality but the leaves fall and new ones take their place. As a persons surroundings influence them and nature takes its course, people change. Its still the same tree you love and care for but you cant keep trying to stick the wilted and dried leaves back on.
Don't you see? I am that tree. You are still holding on so tightly to those leaves that fell when I was little you never notice all the new leaves that have come and gone to take their place. I tried to point that out to you but you refuse to drop those leaves.
In your anger you have dug up my roots just to show me they are there. You stand there pointing at my roots as if I have forgotten them. Shouting "look, here are your roots. This IS what you are."
Don't you see how silly it is? Don't you see how much your hurting the tree? The tree knows exactly what its roots are made of and were they come from. My roots keep me standing in the wind and through the heavy storms. They feed me and nourish me, make me strong and support me and bind me to the earth and all that is there. All the time you are digging up my roots and pointing and shouting, dancing around in anger. You are hurting the tree cant you see? The tree does not hurt back. Standing there proud and tall, smiling and saying, "look at my pretty new leaves. cant you see? aren't you proud of my new leaves? don't you see how much I have grown, how beautiful Ive become?"
Why don't you just try, try to see my new leaves. Please bury the roots and just enjoy Me.
When you ripped up my roots was your plan to kill the new leaves because that is what you are doing, the tree is dying inside.
People are trees. We have roots of personality, those things that will always be there deep beneath the surface, the reactions and feelings we were born with but what every one sees is our leaves and we don't keep our leaves forever. When you meet a person you see their leaves in all the colors of their personality but the leaves fall and new ones take their place. As a persons surroundings influence them and nature takes its course, people change. Its still the same tree you love and care for but you cant keep trying to stick the wilted and dried leaves back on.
Don't you see? I am that tree. You are still holding on so tightly to those leaves that fell when I was little you never notice all the new leaves that have come and gone to take their place. I tried to point that out to you but you refuse to drop those leaves.
In your anger you have dug up my roots just to show me they are there. You stand there pointing at my roots as if I have forgotten them. Shouting "look, here are your roots. This IS what you are."
Don't you see how silly it is? Don't you see how much your hurting the tree? The tree knows exactly what its roots are made of and were they come from. My roots keep me standing in the wind and through the heavy storms. They feed me and nourish me, make me strong and support me and bind me to the earth and all that is there. All the time you are digging up my roots and pointing and shouting, dancing around in anger. You are hurting the tree cant you see? The tree does not hurt back. Standing there proud and tall, smiling and saying, "look at my pretty new leaves. cant you see? aren't you proud of my new leaves? don't you see how much I have grown, how beautiful Ive become?"
Why don't you just try, try to see my new leaves. Please bury the roots and just enjoy Me.
When you ripped up my roots was your plan to kill the new leaves because that is what you are doing, the tree is dying inside.
Friday, September 4, 2009
13 year old gives 25 year old 'Advice' Anger Ensues
Recently I had a major blow up with my family (more posts from my journal later) and my cousins thirteen year old daughter wrote me this after a Im going great. how are you doing? type of greeting.
Her misguided letter to me:
"well ur dating a complete duche u blew off ur WHOLE family for that duche so ur gonna miss grammies bday get abbused and all this other shit and ur telling me this is the best uve ever been? i love u and i want wharts best for u and brian isnt hes the worst guy and i know u can do WAY better than him and u should come back to ur family who actually LOVES AND CARES for u not 1 duche of a boyfriend what u do know is the biggest and most important decision of ur life and make it wisely"
My letter to her:
"WOW. You just totally went and fucking pissed me off. Seriously. wow. ummmm first off. Dont ever call Brian a douch. EVER! and second maybe you should ask if you have your facts right before you jump to conclusions. You seem to be listening to a lot of gossip and believe it. So dont even go there if you dont care to know the truth.
Why would I miss grandmas birthday? Am I not allowed to come now?
and I havent blown off my family. I was hanging out with them all night. My mother is the one who has been ignoring me and giving me the cold sholder. All because shes suddenly realized Im not a child anymore who will do whatever she says to please her.
Have you even met my amazingly romantic handsome fiance? Yes fiance!
Im happy. In love. and Im not going to let anyone, not even my parents or sister tell me who I can love or how I can act. I am my own person with my own wants and needs and my family just cant fill all those needs. I have a man that respects me, supports me, wants to see me grow and succed and hes going to do anything it takes to help me get what I want in life. Now does that sound like a douche to you?
Im going to be 25 here in a few weeks and my mom and sister seem to both think Im 16 and treat me like Im 13. Ive let them push me around and boss me around long enough. Im my own person and Im ready to take responsibility for my own life and become my own person. I seem to just be something bigger than they expected me to become so I no longer fit in that little box they have built for me. I dont care if they are not happy with my decisions. Im not on this earth to make them happy. All my life Ive done just that. molded myself to fit, acted to fit, shut my mouth and just let people walk all over me. Well Im tired of that. I want to be me and I want people to know me. Im tired of sitting in the corner and watching everyone else live happy lives. I want my happy life and Im going to get it not even my family will stand in my way. I really dont give a shit if they do show up to my wedding. I dont care if anyone in my family shows up. If its just me and Brian standing there in Vegas with Elvis as our witness I wont care because Ill have him. The man that fills my heart with joy, the man that fills my life with adventure, the man that makes me passionate about life and all the things I have yet to learn. He makes the best things in me alive and I feel more alive then Ive ever felt and im not loosing that because my sister thinks I can get a guy with a six pack and my mom thinks I can find someone younger. No matter what man I choose I wont make them both happy and who cares if there happy with my marrage. Im the one that should be happy with my man. Theres nobody else in that relationship. JUST ME AND HIM. thats it period.
Now that I went back and read the rest of your note Im even more offended. Did you just tell me to make this decision wisely? wtf? and abused? Who the hell ever said anything about abuse? What kind of abuse did they say? What kind of lies have you been hearing? Do you seriously think Im stupid? Seriously? You think I would be with someone abusive? Can you even see me in that type of relationship? Oooohhh I get it. its because my sister had a crappy abusive relationship I have to have one too now. wtf?
'Come back to a family that loves and cares for you' Obviously they dont love me or they would be happy for me. They would love me even if I told them off. Do you think my father would turn his back on me if I was getting any kind of abuse. I dont see love there. 'Oh your bf treats you like shit, ok well go do your thing, we dont want to have anything to do with you then. Go off and do whatever.' Thats bullshit weekness and stuckup pride is what that is. Not love and most deffinatly not support.
What do you think?
Wait. . and how did I blow off the WHOLE family? Im comfused but that. Do you mean because they 'forgot' to invite me last sunday? (and by forgot I mean intentionally didnt inform me of the trip so I wouldnt rightly so invite myself) Thats it right? You think I blew off my family because my mother couldnt let go off her pride and anger so she decided not to include me or speak to me for weeks. Thats me blowing off my family? I didnt blow anyone off. I got pushed to the side because I would no longer follow orders. Im sorry if me having a backbone offends you.
What evil drama has been spouting from those elder mouths around such young impressionable ears. Im not only offended but appalled. To get your facts straight my dear you must first go straight to the source because no one who was not in the room during the explosion knows first had what started the fire. Except the one person holding the match. So next time you hear about the smoke. Ask questions of the one holding that match instead of faning the flames of some elses heart."
Her REPLY:
"im sorry i said that right after that i regretted it im sorry i just heard that he cussed out ur mom and u guys stormed away and he made u choose between ur family and him im really sorry i shouldn't have said those things :( no u can still come to her bday party(: its just ur one of my favorite cousins and i care about u and i misunderstood it all and i shouldnt be judging someone i dont know i hope u can forgive me(:"
My Reply:
"Oh I wasnt mad 'at' you directly. I was mad about the rumors you were hearing and believeing. I didnt 'cuss out' my mother and he never said a word. Except when he was 'begging and pledding' with them to Listen to me. She wouldnt listen she kept turning everything around and twisting what I said. I got pissed and swore, not directly at her in any hurtful way just in an exastberated 'holy crap this is crazy' kind of way. Brian knows my family doesnt like him. He wanted me to leave him because he knows how important my family is to me. My family is the one making me choose. Trying to control me by controlling who I love. I chose him because hes the one not making me choose. I just want you to understand all you have heard ALL OF IT is lies. Lies that someone is spouting because they are angry the lost control of their child, who by the way has been an 'adult' for 8 years, they of course just notice. Mom said Brian is too smart and makes her feel stupid. He walked into her living room and before he was in the door she was screaming and waving telling him to 'get out' of her house. Said she felt attacked by him being there. I had to get between them so my mom wouldnt hit him. As Im blocking her she and I get in a hand slapping 'thing' (cat fight?) I tried to stay calm just so I could talk to her but at that point her ears were closed because her mouth was open and from then on through the rest of the night nothing was going to get through to her. So she and I have yet to talk because shes stuborn and mad that I wont do as Im told. They have no reason not to like Brian. Hes deathly allergic to cats (also dogs, dust, mold, grass, trees, weeds you name it) and so he cant go to there house. They dont believe me. Ask your mom how serious an epipen is? I carry one in my perse and we keep one in each car, we have a bunch in the house. Why? Because if he has an allergic reaction, he has to shove a giant needle in his leg so he lives through the ten minute drive to the ER. I consider this a 'very' Very Good Reason for not spending alot of time at my parents house. Dont you? and I dont think thats a good reason to dislike him. He is really really smart. If you heard him talk you would understand. I would in fact call him a Genius! I really genius. I often feel like Im living with a scientist/phyciatrist. Ive learned so much from him just listening to him talk. I know why mom felt he was too smart, he uses big words, some that Ive never heard before but its how his brain works and I love that about him. Now does he sound like and evil douch?"
Her misguided letter to me:
"well ur dating a complete duche u blew off ur WHOLE family for that duche so ur gonna miss grammies bday get abbused and all this other shit and ur telling me this is the best uve ever been? i love u and i want wharts best for u and brian isnt hes the worst guy and i know u can do WAY better than him and u should come back to ur family who actually LOVES AND CARES for u not 1 duche of a boyfriend what u do know is the biggest and most important decision of ur life and make it wisely"
My letter to her:
"WOW. You just totally went and fucking pissed me off. Seriously. wow. ummmm first off. Dont ever call Brian a douch. EVER! and second maybe you should ask if you have your facts right before you jump to conclusions. You seem to be listening to a lot of gossip and believe it. So dont even go there if you dont care to know the truth.
Why would I miss grandmas birthday? Am I not allowed to come now?
and I havent blown off my family. I was hanging out with them all night. My mother is the one who has been ignoring me and giving me the cold sholder. All because shes suddenly realized Im not a child anymore who will do whatever she says to please her.
Have you even met my amazingly romantic handsome fiance? Yes fiance!
Im happy. In love. and Im not going to let anyone, not even my parents or sister tell me who I can love or how I can act. I am my own person with my own wants and needs and my family just cant fill all those needs. I have a man that respects me, supports me, wants to see me grow and succed and hes going to do anything it takes to help me get what I want in life. Now does that sound like a douche to you?
Im going to be 25 here in a few weeks and my mom and sister seem to both think Im 16 and treat me like Im 13. Ive let them push me around and boss me around long enough. Im my own person and Im ready to take responsibility for my own life and become my own person. I seem to just be something bigger than they expected me to become so I no longer fit in that little box they have built for me. I dont care if they are not happy with my decisions. Im not on this earth to make them happy. All my life Ive done just that. molded myself to fit, acted to fit, shut my mouth and just let people walk all over me. Well Im tired of that. I want to be me and I want people to know me. Im tired of sitting in the corner and watching everyone else live happy lives. I want my happy life and Im going to get it not even my family will stand in my way. I really dont give a shit if they do show up to my wedding. I dont care if anyone in my family shows up. If its just me and Brian standing there in Vegas with Elvis as our witness I wont care because Ill have him. The man that fills my heart with joy, the man that fills my life with adventure, the man that makes me passionate about life and all the things I have yet to learn. He makes the best things in me alive and I feel more alive then Ive ever felt and im not loosing that because my sister thinks I can get a guy with a six pack and my mom thinks I can find someone younger. No matter what man I choose I wont make them both happy and who cares if there happy with my marrage. Im the one that should be happy with my man. Theres nobody else in that relationship. JUST ME AND HIM. thats it period.
Now that I went back and read the rest of your note Im even more offended. Did you just tell me to make this decision wisely? wtf? and abused? Who the hell ever said anything about abuse? What kind of abuse did they say? What kind of lies have you been hearing? Do you seriously think Im stupid? Seriously? You think I would be with someone abusive? Can you even see me in that type of relationship? Oooohhh I get it. its because my sister had a crappy abusive relationship I have to have one too now. wtf?
'Come back to a family that loves and cares for you' Obviously they dont love me or they would be happy for me. They would love me even if I told them off. Do you think my father would turn his back on me if I was getting any kind of abuse. I dont see love there. 'Oh your bf treats you like shit, ok well go do your thing, we dont want to have anything to do with you then. Go off and do whatever.' Thats bullshit weekness and stuckup pride is what that is. Not love and most deffinatly not support.
What do you think?
Wait. . and how did I blow off the WHOLE family? Im comfused but that. Do you mean because they 'forgot' to invite me last sunday? (and by forgot I mean intentionally didnt inform me of the trip so I wouldnt rightly so invite myself) Thats it right? You think I blew off my family because my mother couldnt let go off her pride and anger so she decided not to include me or speak to me for weeks. Thats me blowing off my family? I didnt blow anyone off. I got pushed to the side because I would no longer follow orders. Im sorry if me having a backbone offends you.
What evil drama has been spouting from those elder mouths around such young impressionable ears. Im not only offended but appalled. To get your facts straight my dear you must first go straight to the source because no one who was not in the room during the explosion knows first had what started the fire. Except the one person holding the match. So next time you hear about the smoke. Ask questions of the one holding that match instead of faning the flames of some elses heart."
Her REPLY:
"im sorry i said that right after that i regretted it im sorry i just heard that he cussed out ur mom and u guys stormed away and he made u choose between ur family and him im really sorry i shouldn't have said those things :( no u can still come to her bday party(: its just ur one of my favorite cousins and i care about u and i misunderstood it all and i shouldnt be judging someone i dont know i hope u can forgive me(:"
My Reply:
"Oh I wasnt mad 'at' you directly. I was mad about the rumors you were hearing and believeing. I didnt 'cuss out' my mother and he never said a word. Except when he was 'begging and pledding' with them to Listen to me. She wouldnt listen she kept turning everything around and twisting what I said. I got pissed and swore, not directly at her in any hurtful way just in an exastberated 'holy crap this is crazy' kind of way. Brian knows my family doesnt like him. He wanted me to leave him because he knows how important my family is to me. My family is the one making me choose. Trying to control me by controlling who I love. I chose him because hes the one not making me choose. I just want you to understand all you have heard ALL OF IT is lies. Lies that someone is spouting because they are angry the lost control of their child, who by the way has been an 'adult' for 8 years, they of course just notice. Mom said Brian is too smart and makes her feel stupid. He walked into her living room and before he was in the door she was screaming and waving telling him to 'get out' of her house. Said she felt attacked by him being there. I had to get between them so my mom wouldnt hit him. As Im blocking her she and I get in a hand slapping 'thing' (cat fight?) I tried to stay calm just so I could talk to her but at that point her ears were closed because her mouth was open and from then on through the rest of the night nothing was going to get through to her. So she and I have yet to talk because shes stuborn and mad that I wont do as Im told. They have no reason not to like Brian. Hes deathly allergic to cats (also dogs, dust, mold, grass, trees, weeds you name it) and so he cant go to there house. They dont believe me. Ask your mom how serious an epipen is? I carry one in my perse and we keep one in each car, we have a bunch in the house. Why? Because if he has an allergic reaction, he has to shove a giant needle in his leg so he lives through the ten minute drive to the ER. I consider this a 'very' Very Good Reason for not spending alot of time at my parents house. Dont you? and I dont think thats a good reason to dislike him. He is really really smart. If you heard him talk you would understand. I would in fact call him a Genius! I really genius. I often feel like Im living with a scientist/phyciatrist. Ive learned so much from him just listening to him talk. I know why mom felt he was too smart, he uses big words, some that Ive never heard before but its how his brain works and I love that about him. Now does he sound like and evil douch?"
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood.
Mom and I stood on the front porch of our big white country house, complete with wrap around porch and detached garage. The large garden and cow pasture straight out in front of us. The sun rising warm and softly to the east on that frosty morning.
I stood with my arms crossed over my chest, leaning against a porch column, solem faced. I could smell the coffee and the breakfast bacon and sausage on his breathe as he kissed my cheek and gave me a sweet reasuring smile. Then Dad kissed mom goodbye just as he did every morning for awhile now. Mom and I stood there on the portch together and watched as he and the boys crawled into the big rusty old car, waving as they pulled out of the driveway.
It was the same as every morning. Day after day mom and I would stand on that big front porch and stare off into the country lost in our own thoughts, saying silent prayers that they would come safely home today. For some reason today felt different. It was freezing outside; the snow banks were tall and the roads were icy. The snow plow hadnt been by in days. Something was nagging and tugging on my soul. I waited a moment extra. . . . .nothing.
As I turned to go inside the house, I heard it. Screeching tires and a crash. Mom was instantly at the door in front of me. We made eye contact. Moms eyes filled with dread as she said, "I knew it." What we didnt expect was more screeching tires . . . another crash and then . . . another. Comfusion and fear flooded my head. As I ran around to the side of the house I heard more tire burns and more crashing.
As I rounded the side of the house and looked back out at the long winding steep hill that lead away from the house towards town, my blood frooze. Dads car was facing back down the hill, but it wasnt moving anymore. The nose was pushed deep into a snow bank. I could see Matts shoes up on the dash, shins pressed up against the windshield. I couldnt see dads face through the broken windshield, his head, on impact, must have been what shattered the glass.
Thats when I noticed him. Climbing out from behind the driver seat of the long old gold cadilac that sat mangled behind dads car was a really tall, well built good looking man, mid thirtys with dark hair, in a black trench coat. He took aim at the snow drifts along the side of the road. I saw what moved like a deer, running and jumping through the ditch and over the snow banks. With every fire, he'd duck but kept running faster. Beau!
I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood. I didnt have to look to know who put it there. I felt moms hand instantly at my back, silently pushing me forward. Gun aimed at the dark mysterious figure, I lurched forward, cautiously but quickly.
"Put the gun down or I swear I'll shoot you," I yelled. The evil man smirked when he spied mother and I. I didnt have to look I knew she was there at my side. As long as the attention was off Beau, I didnt care.
As Beau ducked behind a drift the crazed man took aim at me. I wanted to look at Beau to see if he was ok, but I couldnt loose eye contact with the gunman. I shot the man in the right leg, right through the shin. He fell slowly to his knees. He couldnt grasp his leg unless he dropped the gun. He tried to aim at me again, but by this time I had advanced closer. He dropped the gun unwillingly in defeat as I pressed the barrel of my gun to his forehead. I could hear the sizzle of his hot gun in the snow as it cooled.
I screamed at mom to bring some rope. I heard her scurry up behind me; she already had it. She tied the mans hands behind his back. I could see him staring at me waiting for the right moment. I felt his eyes on my soul, as if deciding if I would really shoot him. I held the gun square between his eyes as mom hog tied him. I desperatly wanted to look at Beau, but I couldnt break eye contact at this crucial moment.
I could see it in his eyes, the fight hadnt left him yet, to him this wasnt over yet. With all the fury in my blood it took everything I had not to shoot him right between the eyes. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted this to be over. I wanted him to feel pain. I just wanted this damn dream to be over.
"Beau? . . . . . . Beau Jeffery you answer me!!" I hollered still holding eye contact with the crazed man.
It felt like forever for mom to tie him but she wanted to do a real good job.
At my feet I felt a nudge and a faint, "Here." I sighed with relief.
Then I woke up.
I stood with my arms crossed over my chest, leaning against a porch column, solem faced. I could smell the coffee and the breakfast bacon and sausage on his breathe as he kissed my cheek and gave me a sweet reasuring smile. Then Dad kissed mom goodbye just as he did every morning for awhile now. Mom and I stood there on the portch together and watched as he and the boys crawled into the big rusty old car, waving as they pulled out of the driveway.
It was the same as every morning. Day after day mom and I would stand on that big front porch and stare off into the country lost in our own thoughts, saying silent prayers that they would come safely home today. For some reason today felt different. It was freezing outside; the snow banks were tall and the roads were icy. The snow plow hadnt been by in days. Something was nagging and tugging on my soul. I waited a moment extra. . . . .nothing.
As I turned to go inside the house, I heard it. Screeching tires and a crash. Mom was instantly at the door in front of me. We made eye contact. Moms eyes filled with dread as she said, "I knew it." What we didnt expect was more screeching tires . . . another crash and then . . . another. Comfusion and fear flooded my head. As I ran around to the side of the house I heard more tire burns and more crashing.
As I rounded the side of the house and looked back out at the long winding steep hill that lead away from the house towards town, my blood frooze. Dads car was facing back down the hill, but it wasnt moving anymore. The nose was pushed deep into a snow bank. I could see Matts shoes up on the dash, shins pressed up against the windshield. I couldnt see dads face through the broken windshield, his head, on impact, must have been what shattered the glass.
Thats when I noticed him. Climbing out from behind the driver seat of the long old gold cadilac that sat mangled behind dads car was a really tall, well built good looking man, mid thirtys with dark hair, in a black trench coat. He took aim at the snow drifts along the side of the road. I saw what moved like a deer, running and jumping through the ditch and over the snow banks. With every fire, he'd duck but kept running faster. Beau!
I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood. I didnt have to look to know who put it there. I felt moms hand instantly at my back, silently pushing me forward. Gun aimed at the dark mysterious figure, I lurched forward, cautiously but quickly.
"Put the gun down or I swear I'll shoot you," I yelled. The evil man smirked when he spied mother and I. I didnt have to look I knew she was there at my side. As long as the attention was off Beau, I didnt care.
As Beau ducked behind a drift the crazed man took aim at me. I wanted to look at Beau to see if he was ok, but I couldnt loose eye contact with the gunman. I shot the man in the right leg, right through the shin. He fell slowly to his knees. He couldnt grasp his leg unless he dropped the gun. He tried to aim at me again, but by this time I had advanced closer. He dropped the gun unwillingly in defeat as I pressed the barrel of my gun to his forehead. I could hear the sizzle of his hot gun in the snow as it cooled.
I screamed at mom to bring some rope. I heard her scurry up behind me; she already had it. She tied the mans hands behind his back. I could see him staring at me waiting for the right moment. I felt his eyes on my soul, as if deciding if I would really shoot him. I held the gun square between his eyes as mom hog tied him. I desperatly wanted to look at Beau, but I couldnt break eye contact at this crucial moment.
I could see it in his eyes, the fight hadnt left him yet, to him this wasnt over yet. With all the fury in my blood it took everything I had not to shoot him right between the eyes. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted this to be over. I wanted him to feel pain. I just wanted this damn dream to be over.
"Beau? . . . . . . Beau Jeffery you answer me!!" I hollered still holding eye contact with the crazed man.
It felt like forever for mom to tie him but she wanted to do a real good job.
At my feet I felt a nudge and a faint, "Here." I sighed with relief.
Then I woke up.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Am I lost forever?
I could not with stand another trial. My emotional state is weakend. I have been deprived of emotional stimulation and love. Im not looking for a one night stand with a quick and temporary emotional healing of lust. Im searching for life long happiness; love that fills my soul with joy not darkness and dispair. If I were to endure one more heart ache my soul would be ripped to pieces. To be deprived and drained of your emotions, ideas and passion is an extremely exhausting process that leaves you cold, empty and bitter. I must find a way to get my soul back from wence it was stripped of me. The person I thought I was has disappeared and what is left is unrecognizable even to those who know me best. When this tribulation is over will i be able to get my mind back or will all those torturous and cruel things that have been inflicted apon me change me for the worse?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Theres this wall . . .
I have run into this wall that I just keep hitting my head against.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall that I've run into.
I've run into this wall.
I keep hitting my head.
It's dark.
There's this wall.
Grey.
Big concrete wall.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall.
There's no way around it.
There's this wall and now way to get through it.
I feel so alone.
There's this wall.
It's dark and I dont know what to do.
I'm not scared anymore just utterly frustrated and comfused.
There's this wall. . . .
What should I do?
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall that I've run into.
I've run into this wall.
I keep hitting my head.
It's dark.
There's this wall.
Grey.
Big concrete wall.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall.
There's no way around it.
There's this wall and now way to get through it.
I feel so alone.
There's this wall.
It's dark and I dont know what to do.
I'm not scared anymore just utterly frustrated and comfused.
There's this wall. . . .
What should I do?
Monday, December 1, 2008
When was the last time you loved your lip color so much you actully finished it?
I know a few colors to be my absolute favorites but actually finishing one to the last oz or drop. I dont exactly pile it on like some women do. My lips are not my favorite feature so its not usually the one I 'play up'. Im more of a eyeliner/masscara-whore but we'll get to that later. I have lip glosses in every color; pink, coral, red, brown, lavender, or a combination of two or three, ones that plump, ones that shimmer, matte ones, bold ones and sheer ones But they all apear to be as full as the day I bought them. Ive got a drawer full of them, my purse is stuffed with them, they're in my studio on shelves, in my living room with the books, in my kitchen with the gum and scissors. I could fill a warehouse bin if I search the house thoughly enough.
There was One! Back when I had my own Avon lady, I was young and knew nothing of makeup. I fell in love with a lipstick. Pink Dusk Rose! I loved it so much I bought 3 tubes after the first. I still have one last one with 5 or more uses left. Avon no longer carries it so I was off searching for something like it. I ran across L'oreals Saucy Sands, beautiful colour but I cant stand the smell of it. It has an old lady makeup smell, I dont know how else to explain that. Then I found Maybelines moisture whip Sugar Plum Ice! Its slightly more nude but still has that lipstick smell. I dont know what I expected. It Is lipstick. Then I found Prestiges Pink Sands. Its nearly perfect, smooth, no smell, with moisture, but it doesnt last very long at all. Finally I landed on Bare Escentuals Wearable Nude. Holy crap this stuff is awesome. Its got everything I could want, no if it just wasnt so damn expensive.
Now who could forget the perfect sticky shinny glossy lip balm? Oddly with lipsticks I lean toward the pink-nudes! But with glosses I got for corals and uber bright reds! I tried CG's wetslicks fruit spritzers. Love the taste of the Strawberry Splash but the thing is just to darn sticky. I think I landed on this one about the time Lynae and I spent too much time crusing in the Jeep with the top and our hair down, mixed with lip gloss bad combination. Same thing with Lancomes Juicy tubes, ultra brillant and shiny, super sticky, loved the Magic Spell one but it had a daquiri smell but yummy taste to it. So I tried something different. Sinful Colors lip gloss. The tube doesnt say what color it is but its a very deep blood red! Love the color! Goes on smooth but stains slightly and bleeds which I was not a fan of. Im 24, I dont need to look like Im 4 and got into mommys makeup. Been there done that. haha. Then I hit the jackpot. I ran across, it was actually a "been standing in line for 20 minutes, rumaging through impulse item place lip glosses" kind of buy. I was at Victorias Secret when I found Beauty Rush. I must say every time I go back I leave with a new color. Fineapple is my absolute favorite Im on my third tube. Peach Buzz, CarriBerry, and Pearadise come in close seconds but I havnt finished the first tube of those ones. But I must say once I came across DuWop and its Lip Venom I was in love! I can never have too much of this one!! Its clear so you can put it over everything. I even put it over my Burts Bees!!
Soo, Is there a certain one you buy everything they've got or perhaps you have a favorite I should try!
There was One! Back when I had my own Avon lady, I was young and knew nothing of makeup. I fell in love with a lipstick. Pink Dusk Rose! I loved it so much I bought 3 tubes after the first. I still have one last one with 5 or more uses left. Avon no longer carries it so I was off searching for something like it. I ran across L'oreals Saucy Sands, beautiful colour but I cant stand the smell of it. It has an old lady makeup smell, I dont know how else to explain that. Then I found Maybelines moisture whip Sugar Plum Ice! Its slightly more nude but still has that lipstick smell. I dont know what I expected. It Is lipstick. Then I found Prestiges Pink Sands. Its nearly perfect, smooth, no smell, with moisture, but it doesnt last very long at all. Finally I landed on Bare Escentuals Wearable Nude. Holy crap this stuff is awesome. Its got everything I could want, no if it just wasnt so damn expensive.
Now who could forget the perfect sticky shinny glossy lip balm? Oddly with lipsticks I lean toward the pink-nudes! But with glosses I got for corals and uber bright reds! I tried CG's wetslicks fruit spritzers. Love the taste of the Strawberry Splash but the thing is just to darn sticky. I think I landed on this one about the time Lynae and I spent too much time crusing in the Jeep with the top and our hair down, mixed with lip gloss bad combination. Same thing with Lancomes Juicy tubes, ultra brillant and shiny, super sticky, loved the Magic Spell one but it had a daquiri smell but yummy taste to it. So I tried something different. Sinful Colors lip gloss. The tube doesnt say what color it is but its a very deep blood red! Love the color! Goes on smooth but stains slightly and bleeds which I was not a fan of. Im 24, I dont need to look like Im 4 and got into mommys makeup. Been there done that. haha. Then I hit the jackpot. I ran across, it was actually a "been standing in line for 20 minutes, rumaging through impulse item place lip glosses" kind of buy. I was at Victorias Secret when I found Beauty Rush. I must say every time I go back I leave with a new color. Fineapple is my absolute favorite Im on my third tube. Peach Buzz, CarriBerry, and Pearadise come in close seconds but I havnt finished the first tube of those ones. But I must say once I came across DuWop and its Lip Venom I was in love! I can never have too much of this one!! Its clear so you can put it over everything. I even put it over my Burts Bees!!
Soo, Is there a certain one you buy everything they've got or perhaps you have a favorite I should try!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The most exquisite prince.
He knows not what he has. He knows not what he possesses. Never cometh trouble in the likeness of his grace. He think of my love as a precious jewel and treasure it with all his being till the end of his time.
He speaks not with a slanderous tongue to his comrades for his words would fall like fire upon mine ears. Such evil thoughts and words would infect his soul and all that which possess his dreams. To consume him like the spirits. For I am not the harlot he slandered mine name to be. Be I not a maiden in thine eyes? For that tis what I wish to be known as in thine heart.
Silence. It is all that mine mind can contain. My silence most offends you. Thou I was raised to speak simple thoughts and to speak not the thoughts that hold weight or difference.
The love god hath passed me by. I in my waking find not a soul to pair with. I wish to hide me till God doth point him out to mine eyes. Tis a precious thing to only happen once and only to the sweet and pure in heart. Doth mine heart not deserve this? Or is thine heart nor desires from mine soul pure? Why hath men be the villain of mine story?
Is it not strange that the spirits from a liquid might open ones soul unto one another? I beg you, to know what thou hath to say unto me. My soul tis open to yours even if mine mind seem not.
Mine heart will rest and mine soul will weep though mine mind will not sleep for mine other half tis missing. So I will feel the pain in all its intensity. So when this tis over the happiness that will consume me will be mighty and powerful and be unto mine heart and soul worth every pain I hath ever felt.
Try to sleep now my lovers, as will I! I will see you upon the 'morrow!
Ado my Sweets! Ado!
Cold and Alone
As I open the door to the shower the heat leaves my tiny square space and the cold crisp air sneaks in. I feel the warm water drip down my back and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I get a chill as your face flashes through my mind. I wrap the dry towel around my dripping wet naked body not even bothering to dry myself. I step out and get a glimpse of my form in the foggy mirror. I imagine you standing there like you used to do, behind me, holding me about the waist smelling my hair and kissing my neck, but all that I feel is the cold damp air around me and the emptiness of the room. I thought I had used up all my tears in the hot burning water as I tried to feel, feel anything. The burning of my skin in the hot water detracted me for only a second but the sting faded as I went back to the pain I felt from your absence. A drop runs down my calf and I go to wipe it away but I can’t, it tickles just a little, it almost feels as though your hand is caressing my calf the way you used to when we snuggled. My bed is empty and lonely. I stand in the bright doorway of my bathroom and stare and the dark room before me with the empty untossed sheets, the perfectly made bed and remember you and all that we had together. I turn off the light and enter into the darkness. The towel drops to the floor and I crawl into bed, still wet and cold but uncaring. As I lie there cold and alone I think of you and cry myself to sleep and even though I sleep I still weep as I dream of what we had together.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
When will this all end?
Just as I start getting over one I have to get over another. Will I ever be happy? How do I stop myself from talking about you? I remember when you were the only one for me. I know I can’t go back. I miss the way we made love. Why did I hold it all inside?
Care for him I do. Love him I always will. Though right for him I am not.
It all seemed to make sense. Good things in life are hard to find. We made something good. This love is killing me. When will it be over?
I hate the way my heart aches when I think of you. But I don't miss kissing you. I'm broken and you want to lick my wounds. You stand outside my window and wait for something bad to happen so you can rescue me. You want that gold star when you fix my problems. You wait till I'm sad and broken down, when I'm vulerable thats when you shine. Y0u love to see me cry it makes you feel stronger. When I think of it my fingers turn to fists. Soon you will be lying in your own blood by your own hands.
I'm going crazy thinking about you not being able to touch you. When will this all end?
Care for him I do. Love him I always will. Though right for him I am not.
It all seemed to make sense. Good things in life are hard to find. We made something good. This love is killing me. When will it be over?
I hate the way my heart aches when I think of you. But I don't miss kissing you. I'm broken and you want to lick my wounds. You stand outside my window and wait for something bad to happen so you can rescue me. You want that gold star when you fix my problems. You wait till I'm sad and broken down, when I'm vulerable thats when you shine. Y0u love to see me cry it makes you feel stronger. When I think of it my fingers turn to fists. Soon you will be lying in your own blood by your own hands.
I'm going crazy thinking about you not being able to touch you. When will this all end?
Monday, September 10, 2007
I can't stop dreaming about this man I've never met
As I fall asleep I think of you and as I lay there sleeping I dream of you.
I’m lying in a garden next to a cabin that is nestled close to the trees to protect it from the wind. There is a big open field for a view, with mountains high up above the trees to shelter us. I lay there in the garden amongst the poppies, lilies and roses watching the sun go down. The stars light up the skies and I see moonbeams, they dance across your face. I wonder inside to check the fire and peer out the window to see you lying in the garden. I lean closer and try to hear your whispers. What was it you wished for on that falling star? You roll over in the dirt and catch me watching you. You look so handsome, strong and tan from the sun. You prop yourself up on your elbows and rest your chin on the palm of your hand and just lay there watching me as I’m watching you. You say nothing yet I know what you’re thinking. There is a questioning look in your eyes. I try to act confused by your questioning look and throw a playful change in the conversation. You see my face but don’t catch the words. I pull the curtains close hopping to hide my fear but you feel my pain and run to me. I hate the way my heart feels when I’m near you but I crave it just the same. I saw you as you walked across the room, looking out the window you saw the moon. I walk away from you and sit on the corner of the bed. I always wished for a perfect setting. Is this it? My heart seems sure and willing but my head is confused and scared. My hands are cold and shaky. I wake up in a sweat. I turn on the light and look for you but you're not there. You never were for you only come to me in my dreams.
I’m lying in a garden next to a cabin that is nestled close to the trees to protect it from the wind. There is a big open field for a view, with mountains high up above the trees to shelter us. I lay there in the garden amongst the poppies, lilies and roses watching the sun go down. The stars light up the skies and I see moonbeams, they dance across your face. I wonder inside to check the fire and peer out the window to see you lying in the garden. I lean closer and try to hear your whispers. What was it you wished for on that falling star? You roll over in the dirt and catch me watching you. You look so handsome, strong and tan from the sun. You prop yourself up on your elbows and rest your chin on the palm of your hand and just lay there watching me as I’m watching you. You say nothing yet I know what you’re thinking. There is a questioning look in your eyes. I try to act confused by your questioning look and throw a playful change in the conversation. You see my face but don’t catch the words. I pull the curtains close hopping to hide my fear but you feel my pain and run to me. I hate the way my heart feels when I’m near you but I crave it just the same. I saw you as you walked across the room, looking out the window you saw the moon. I walk away from you and sit on the corner of the bed. I always wished for a perfect setting. Is this it? My heart seems sure and willing but my head is confused and scared. My hands are cold and shaky. I wake up in a sweat. I turn on the light and look for you but you're not there. You never were for you only come to me in my dreams.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Listen to what I'm not saying when I scream
I don't want someone to hold at night.
I don't want someone to talk to everyday.
I don't want someone to plan my life with.
I don't want a tall dark and handsome man.
What I want is
Just a man
with a big heart and a willing soul
who will trust me and love me
who will listen when I scream
to what I'm saying when I'm not speaking a word
and understands
I don't want things fixed or handled
I just want them understood
because they can't be fixed correctly by anyone but me
I have to do them myself
You may think you've come up with a plan
and fixed it for me
but that just creates more work
I have to tear apart what you did
only to discover I have to find another way different then yours
so to do it my way and not yours
even if your way was in fact my way in the first place
I don't want someone to talk to everyday.
I don't want someone to plan my life with.
I don't want a tall dark and handsome man.
What I want is
Just a man
with a big heart and a willing soul
who will trust me and love me
who will listen when I scream
to what I'm saying when I'm not speaking a word
and understands
I don't want things fixed or handled
I just want them understood
because they can't be fixed correctly by anyone but me
I have to do them myself
You may think you've come up with a plan
and fixed it for me
but that just creates more work
I have to tear apart what you did
only to discover I have to find another way different then yours
so to do it my way and not yours
even if your way was in fact my way in the first place
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Maybe then . . .
I wish I could find someone who makes me feel the things men in movies make me feel. I'm that girl in the background, the extra, staring at the star wondering why I cant have what she has. I know what it's like not to have someone. I'm feeling that way right now. I'm always there for everyone else but when I hit rock bottom were do they all go. I do have people who will listen but when I sit down with them, they say talk and my mind goes blank. I do hope that woman in the movie finds what shes searching for but in the mean time I'll be searching for what I don't know. What I don't know is what I want. Life is far to complicated right now. I feel like my mind has ADD. There is so much going on I cant even concentrate. I'm starting to hate life but at the same time I love the challenge. If life could just calm down for a bit so I can search my unorganized brain for my sanity, then, but only then, could it continue on spinning and I might be able to, maybe if I'm lucky, get a grasp on lifes meaning. Maybe then I'll be happy for once. Just maybe.
Monday, July 16, 2007
What is with all these Bit**?
Here I am. Thought I had changed and grown so much. Thought I was changing myself for the better. Thought I was creating myself. So why is it that all of a sudden. There are random people stepping up and saying they hate me. Saying I'm fat and ugly and have the worst wardrobe ever? Saying I'm to young to know what I want, telling me I'm confused. Thinking I'm playing with everyone's heart? Thinking I'm out to hurt and destroy. What did I ever do to them?
Ok so maybe I weigh a lot more than your 5' 1" 92lb ass, at least I have an ass to shake. Which, I think, is why woman have an ass, because the body is to be sensual and sexually attractive. Look at belly dancing, the sexiest and in your opinion cubby, the most beautiful women. As for my wardrobe, I'm eclectic. One day I'm in jeans, tennis shoes, a zip up, a ball cap and "kick your ass attitude" and the next I'm in bright red heels, capris, a polka dot top and a "perfect pinup smile." No one ever told me I was 'cute' so they couldn't have lied to me. Don't put a label on me thats the fast way to get on my bad side, you wont like it over there. Trust me on this. Step up. Take the heat. Stop taking the easy way out. Get something accomplished in life. Create yourself. Become the person you wish you were. We only have life to live. So why don't we just live it?
Maybe I am too young to understand. Maybe I am indecisive. Maybe you do have bigger boobs and a better smile. Maybe you do have more to offer. Maybe you do have more to give. But my heart is strong and I won't let go of what I love. Too young you say. I love learning. I'm a fast learner. You were right were I am at one time. Maybe you made some bad decisions. Maybe you're jealous because I haven't made the same ones. But trust me I've made a lot. You think I'm indecisive? Isn't everyone? I am a logical thinker. It takes me a little bit longer to come to a decision but that's because I don't jump out there with my heart. As for the boobs and looks you got. Yeah you got them but so do a lot of other people. I'm beautiful in my own way. No one can take that away from me. I will always be me. I will always be what I want to be. I will always overcome. I will always conquer. I will succeed.
From one day to the next my outfit is never the same much like my personality, like my attitude, like my sense of humor. That's the beauty of life. If you don't like how your day went yesterday change tomorrow.
I will not let your mouthy words, your let downs, your spoiled ways and your hurtful anger get to me. I am loved by the ones that matter. You don't love me therefore you no longer matter. I'm through with people who will walk on me just because they know I will let them. I'm sensitive and caring. I wont hurt you even if you hurt me on purpose I would still hurt myself before I let pain come to you and you don't like me and I don't even know you but that's the person I am. Don't like it. Walk away. I'll still be here when you need me. But if you cant stand to look at me or hear my voice. Then don't stand around to listen to it.
Ok so maybe I weigh a lot more than your 5' 1" 92lb ass, at least I have an ass to shake. Which, I think, is why woman have an ass, because the body is to be sensual and sexually attractive. Look at belly dancing, the sexiest and in your opinion cubby, the most beautiful women. As for my wardrobe, I'm eclectic. One day I'm in jeans, tennis shoes, a zip up, a ball cap and "kick your ass attitude" and the next I'm in bright red heels, capris, a polka dot top and a "perfect pinup smile." No one ever told me I was 'cute' so they couldn't have lied to me. Don't put a label on me thats the fast way to get on my bad side, you wont like it over there. Trust me on this. Step up. Take the heat. Stop taking the easy way out. Get something accomplished in life. Create yourself. Become the person you wish you were. We only have life to live. So why don't we just live it?
Maybe I am too young to understand. Maybe I am indecisive. Maybe you do have bigger boobs and a better smile. Maybe you do have more to offer. Maybe you do have more to give. But my heart is strong and I won't let go of what I love. Too young you say. I love learning. I'm a fast learner. You were right were I am at one time. Maybe you made some bad decisions. Maybe you're jealous because I haven't made the same ones. But trust me I've made a lot. You think I'm indecisive? Isn't everyone? I am a logical thinker. It takes me a little bit longer to come to a decision but that's because I don't jump out there with my heart. As for the boobs and looks you got. Yeah you got them but so do a lot of other people. I'm beautiful in my own way. No one can take that away from me. I will always be me. I will always be what I want to be. I will always overcome. I will always conquer. I will succeed.
From one day to the next my outfit is never the same much like my personality, like my attitude, like my sense of humor. That's the beauty of life. If you don't like how your day went yesterday change tomorrow.
I will not let your mouthy words, your let downs, your spoiled ways and your hurtful anger get to me. I am loved by the ones that matter. You don't love me therefore you no longer matter. I'm through with people who will walk on me just because they know I will let them. I'm sensitive and caring. I wont hurt you even if you hurt me on purpose I would still hurt myself before I let pain come to you and you don't like me and I don't even know you but that's the person I am. Don't like it. Walk away. I'll still be here when you need me. But if you cant stand to look at me or hear my voice. Then don't stand around to listen to it.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Epiphany - a sudden intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or meaning of something
I fell asleep less then 5 hours ago so imagine my surprise when the phone rings. The funny thing is the minute my eyes opened and saw the sun an odd thing happened, I smiled. I saw the sun and was actually excited to be awake. It's been along time since that happened. I can actually name the day that last happened. May 22nd, I know because I took pictures on my phone that beautiful morning and that picture is still the background on my phone. Why the sudden happiness after all my depressing thoughts? Well a thought dawned on me yesterday. When the sun rises in the morning the new day is a gift. Something that is not decided for me, something for me to do with whatever I want. I realized I don't need to find myself or my place on this earth, because everyday who I am is different and the path I take is different. Why go looking for myself when I'm right here? I'm not something I need to find. *scoff* How silly of me. I'm something to create. I'm can be whatever I want to be and danmit I'm going to let that artist hiding inside out to create the coolest person I know Me!
Have a beautiful day my pretties!! I know I will! MWAH!!
P.S. I slept for 5.4 hours. I know because that's how long the playlist on itunes is that I started before crawling into bed. Haha Odd!
Have a beautiful day my pretties!! I know I will! MWAH!!
P.S. I slept for 5.4 hours. I know because that's how long the playlist on itunes is that I started before crawling into bed. Haha Odd!
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Bloody and Bandaged the Blood seeps through. I can not hide it anymore.
As I sit here and think of you. I dream of what I thought we could have. I recall my love for you. I recall my sacrifices. I can’t even think of sleep. I’m not even tired. I hear a bird chirping and I have yet to crawl into bed. I open the blinds and I see a new day starting. The sky behind the hills is beginning to shine in a brilliant pink. I listen to the little robin outside my window. It tells me I was not wrong. It tells me that your heart wasn’t in it in the first place. I realize how stupid I was to ignore your hints. I think I knew about her all along. I just didn’t want to believe it. The bird flies away and I stare at the sky, as it lights up, in disbelief. As the sun rises and warms my face a thought dawns on me. She thought all along we were just friends. She thought you were all alone. She didn’t know about me, you told her we were just friends. My thoughts are now in a race with the sun. Through your confusion you added her to the twist. I know that you have been talking to her for almost a year. You hid her from me so you could pursue something with her. I’m hurt and I’m ashamed that I never noticed. I was a tool. I was a stepping stone. As I watched the two of you together I had nothing but hate for myself. I could have died right there and not put up a fight. Yet. . . . . . yet here I sit nearly six hours later and realize you’ve talked with her, bonded with her, and loved her all along. And it pains me to think of how stupid I was. Stupid to give my heart to someone who didn’t have what it took to hold it. It will be a long time before I can trust another person to hold my heart because I will have a fear of what that person is hiding from me. Everyone has a secret. She just happened to be yours.
The sun has risen, I feel the dew on my face. I wrap myself up and wonder back inside. Able to live with myself again. Able to breathe again. Able to feel again. I can feel my heart. I feel my heart in my hands. My hands covered in blood. My own blood. Its an open wound. Open and raw. Raw from the vigorous cleaning I put it through. Hoping. . . . . hoping I could make it look inviting to you. But now I wrap it. The bandage soaked in my blood. I tuck it away. I try to hide it. But the blood seeps through again. It will heal one day. But there will always be a scar. A scar that you put there. And it will always . . . . always . . . remind me of you.
The sun has risen, I feel the dew on my face. I wrap myself up and wonder back inside. Able to live with myself again. Able to breathe again. Able to feel again. I can feel my heart. I feel my heart in my hands. My hands covered in blood. My own blood. Its an open wound. Open and raw. Raw from the vigorous cleaning I put it through. Hoping. . . . . hoping I could make it look inviting to you. But now I wrap it. The bandage soaked in my blood. I tuck it away. I try to hide it. But the blood seeps through again. It will heal one day. But there will always be a scar. A scar that you put there. And it will always . . . . always . . . remind me of you.
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