Listen to what I'm not saying when I scream

I don't want someone to hold at night.
I don't want someone to talk to everyday.
I don't want someone to plan my life with.
I don't want a tall dark and handsome man.
What I want is
Just a man
with a big heart and a willing soul
who will trust me and love me
who will listen when I scream
to what I'm saying when I'm not speaking a word
and understands
I don't want things fixed or handled
I just want them understood
because they can't be fixed correctly by anyone but me
I have to do them myself
You may think you've come up with a plan
and fixed it for me
but that just creates more work
I have to tear apart what you did
only to discover I have to find another way different then yours
so to do it my way and not yours
even if your way was in fact my way in the first place

Maybe then . . .

I wish I could find someone who makes me feel the things men in movies make me feel. I'm that girl in the background, the extra, staring at the star wondering why I cant have what she has. I know what it's like not to have someone. I'm feeling that way right now. I'm always there for everyone else but when I hit rock bottom were do they all go. I do have people who will listen but when I sit down with them, they say talk and my mind goes blank. I do hope that woman in the movie finds what shes searching for but in the mean time I'll be searching for what I don't know. What I don't know is what I want. Life is far to complicated right now. I feel like my mind has ADD. There is so much going on I cant even concentrate. I'm starting to hate life but at the same time I love the challenge. If life could just calm down for a bit so I can search my unorganized brain for my sanity, then, but only then, could it continue on spinning and I might be able to, maybe if I'm lucky, get a grasp on lifes meaning. Maybe then I'll be happy for once. Just maybe.

What is with all these Bit**?

Here I am. Thought I had changed and grown so much. Thought I was changing myself for the better. Thought I was creating myself. So why is it that all of a sudden. There are random people stepping up and saying they hate me. Saying I'm fat and ugly and have the worst wardrobe ever? Saying I'm to young to know what I want, telling me I'm confused. Thinking I'm playing with everyone's heart? Thinking I'm out to hurt and destroy. What did I ever do to them?
Ok so maybe I weigh a lot more than your 5' 1" 92lb ass, at least I have an ass to shake. Which, I think, is why woman have an ass, because the body is to be sensual and sexually attractive. Look at belly dancing, the sexiest and in your opinion cubby, the most beautiful women. As for my wardrobe, I'm eclectic. One day I'm in jeans, tennis shoes, a zip up, a ball cap and "kick your ass attitude" and the next I'm in bright red heels, capris, a polka dot top and a "perfect pinup smile." No one ever told me I was 'cute' so they couldn't have lied to me. Don't put a label on me thats the fast way to get on my bad side, you wont like it over there. Trust me on this. Step up. Take the heat. Stop taking the easy way out. Get something accomplished in life. Create yourself. Become the person you wish you were. We only have life to live. So why don't we just live it?
Maybe I am too young to understand. Maybe I am indecisive. Maybe you do have bigger boobs and a better smile. Maybe you do have more to offer. Maybe you do have more to give. But my heart is strong and I won't let go of what I love. Too young you say. I love learning. I'm a fast learner. You were right were I am at one time. Maybe you made some bad decisions. Maybe you're jealous because I haven't made the same ones. But trust me I've made a lot. You think I'm indecisive? Isn't everyone? I am a logical thinker. It takes me a little bit longer to come to a decision but that's because I don't jump out there with my heart. As for the boobs and looks you got. Yeah you got them but so do a lot of other people. I'm beautiful in my own way. No one can take that away from me. I will always be me. I will always be what I want to be. I will always overcome. I will always conquer. I will succeed.
From one day to the next my outfit is never the same much like my personality, like my attitude, like my sense of humor. That's the beauty of life. If you don't like how your day went yesterday change tomorrow.
I will not let your mouthy words, your let downs, your spoiled ways and your hurtful anger get to me. I am loved by the ones that matter. You don't love me therefore you no longer matter. I'm through with people who will walk on me just because they know I will let them. I'm sensitive and caring. I wont hurt you even if you hurt me on purpose I would still hurt myself before I let pain come to you and you don't like me and I don't even know you but that's the person I am. Don't like it. Walk away. I'll still be here when you need me. But if you cant stand to look at me or hear my voice. Then don't stand around to listen to it.

Epiphany - a sudden intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or meaning of something

I fell asleep less then 5 hours ago so imagine my surprise when the phone rings. The funny thing is the minute my eyes opened and saw the sun an odd thing happened, I smiled. I saw the sun and was actually excited to be awake. It's been along time since that happened. I can actually name the day that last happened. May 22nd, I know because I took pictures on my phone that beautiful morning and that picture is still the background on my phone. Why the sudden happiness after all my depressing thoughts? Well a thought dawned on me yesterday. When the sun rises in the morning the new day is a gift. Something that is not decided for me, something for me to do with whatever I want. I realized I don't need to find myself or my place on this earth, because everyday who I am is different and the path I take is different. Why go looking for myself when I'm right here? I'm not something I need to find. *scoff* How silly of me. I'm something to create. I'm can be whatever I want to be and danmit I'm going to let that artist hiding inside out to create the coolest person I know Me!
Have a beautiful day my pretties!! I know I will! MWAH!!
P.S. I slept for 5.4 hours. I know because that's how long the playlist on itunes is that I started before crawling into bed. Haha Odd!

Bloody and Bandaged the Blood seeps through. I can not hide it anymore.

As I sit here and think of you. I dream of what I thought we could have. I recall my love for you. I recall my sacrifices. I can’t even think of sleep. I’m not even tired. I hear a bird chirping and I have yet to crawl into bed. I open the blinds and I see a new day starting. The sky behind the hills is beginning to shine in a brilliant pink. I listen to the little robin outside my window. It tells me I was not wrong. It tells me that your heart wasn’t in it in the first place. I realize how stupid I was to ignore your hints. I think I knew about her all along. I just didn’t want to believe it. The bird flies away and I stare at the sky, as it lights up, in disbelief. As the sun rises and warms my face a thought dawns on me. She thought all along we were just friends. She thought you were all alone. She didn’t know about me, you told her we were just friends. My thoughts are now in a race with the sun. Through your confusion you added her to the twist. I know that you have been talking to her for almost a year. You hid her from me so you could pursue something with her. I’m hurt and I’m ashamed that I never noticed. I was a tool. I was a stepping stone. As I watched the two of you together I had nothing but hate for myself. I could have died right there and not put up a fight. Yet. . . . . . yet here I sit nearly six hours later and realize you’ve talked with her, bonded with her, and loved her all along. And it pains me to think of how stupid I was. Stupid to give my heart to someone who didn’t have what it took to hold it. It will be a long time before I can trust another person to hold my heart because I will have a fear of what that person is hiding from me. Everyone has a secret. She just happened to be yours.
The sun has risen, I feel the dew on my face. I wrap myself up and wonder back inside. Able to live with myself again. Able to breathe again. Able to feel again. I can feel my heart. I feel my heart in my hands. My hands covered in blood. My own blood. Its an open wound. Open and raw. Raw from the vigorous cleaning I put it through. Hoping. . . . . hoping I could make it look inviting to you. But now I wrap it. The bandage soaked in my blood. I tuck it away. I try to hide it. But the blood seeps through again. It will heal one day. But there will always be a scar. A scar that you put there. And it will always . . . . always . . . remind me of you.

I Thought Wrong

Here I thought I was strong. Here I thought I could take on the world. I thought life was perfect. I thought life could be the fairy tale I wanted and for a while it was. What did I do wrong? Why was I so stupid? I thought I had you. I thought you had me. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we would have the world in the palm of our hand. I thought we would sit and watch the waves roll in till we were 82. But I thought wrong. I guess I've always been wrong about us. I thought we were perfect. I thought we were a couple. I thought we could conquer anything the world threw at us. But again I thought wrong. I wasn't strong enough. I didn't love enough. I didn't hug enough. I didn't kiss enough. I didn't cuddle enough. I didn't talk enough. I didn't listen enough. I didn't remember enough. I didn't share enough. I shared my life. I shared my thoughts. I shared my dreams. I shared my fears. I shared my pains and my gains. But it wasn't enough. I guess I never will be. I guess I'm just a broken down fool without a heart to give or a soul to share. I guess I'll never be enough to be loved.

Just Maybe

Talk with her as you talked with me.

Play with her as you played with me.

Cook with her a you cooked with me.

Eat with her as you ate with me.

Love her as you loved me.

Kiss her as you kissed me.

Spoil her as you spoiled me.

Fuck her as you fucked me.

Maybe, just maybe, she will come close to knowing the love I feel for you.