I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood.

Mom and I stood on the front porch of our big white country house, complete with wrap around porch and detached garage. The large garden and cow pasture straight out in front of us. The sun rising warm and softly to the east on that frosty morning.

I stood with my arms crossed over my chest, leaning against a porch column, solem faced. I could smell the coffee and the breakfast bacon and sausage on his breathe as he kissed my cheek and gave me a sweet reasuring smile. Then Dad kissed mom goodbye just as he did every morning for awhile now. Mom and I stood there on the portch together and watched as he and the boys crawled into the big rusty old car, waving as they pulled out of the driveway.

It was the same as every morning. Day after day mom and I would stand on that big front porch and stare off into the country lost in our own thoughts, saying silent prayers that they would come safely home today. For some reason today felt different. It was freezing outside; the snow banks were tall and the roads were icy. The snow plow hadnt been by in days. Something was nagging and tugging on my soul. I waited a moment extra. . . . .nothing.

As I turned to go inside the house, I heard it. Screeching tires and a crash. Mom was instantly at the door in front of me. We made eye contact. Moms eyes filled with dread as she said, "I knew it." What we didnt expect was more screeching tires . . . another crash and then . . . another. Comfusion and fear flooded my head. As I ran around to the side of the house I heard more tire burns and more crashing.

As I rounded the side of the house and looked back out at the long winding steep hill that lead away from the house towards town, my blood frooze. Dads car was facing back down the hill, but it wasnt moving anymore. The nose was pushed deep into a snow bank. I could see Matts shoes up on the dash, shins pressed up against the windshield. I couldnt see dads face through the broken windshield, his head, on impact, must have been what shattered the glass.

Thats when I noticed him. Climbing out from behind the driver seat of the long old gold cadilac that sat mangled behind dads car was a really tall, well built good looking man, mid thirtys with dark hair, in a black trench coat. He took aim at the snow drifts along the side of the road. I saw what moved like a deer, running and jumping through the ditch and over the snow banks. With every fire, he'd duck but kept running faster. Beau!

I felt fire in my veins and the cold hit of metal on my palm like a rush of blood. I didnt have to look to know who put it there. I felt moms hand instantly at my back, silently pushing me forward. Gun aimed at the dark mysterious figure, I lurched forward, cautiously but quickly.

"Put the gun down or I swear I'll shoot you," I yelled. The evil man smirked when he spied mother and I. I didnt have to look I knew she was there at my side. As long as the attention was off Beau, I didnt care.

As Beau ducked behind a drift the crazed man took aim at me. I wanted to look at Beau to see if he was ok, but I couldnt loose eye contact with the gunman. I shot the man in the right leg, right through the shin. He fell slowly to his knees. He couldnt grasp his leg unless he dropped the gun. He tried to aim at me again, but by this time I had advanced closer. He dropped the gun unwillingly in defeat as I pressed the barrel of my gun to his forehead. I could hear the sizzle of his hot gun in the snow as it cooled.

I screamed at mom to bring some rope. I heard her scurry up behind me; she already had it. She tied the mans hands behind his back. I could see him staring at me waiting for the right moment. I felt his eyes on my soul, as if deciding if I would really shoot him. I held the gun square between his eyes as mom hog tied him. I desperatly wanted to look at Beau, but I couldnt break eye contact at this crucial moment.

I could see it in his eyes, the fight hadnt left him yet, to him this wasnt over yet. With all the fury in my blood it took everything I had not to shoot him right between the eyes. I wanted him to bleed. I wanted this to be over. I wanted him to feel pain. I just wanted this damn dream to be over.

"Beau? . . . . . . Beau Jeffery you answer me!!" I hollered still holding eye contact with the crazed man.

It felt like forever for mom to tie him but she wanted to do a real good job.

At my feet I felt a nudge and a faint, "Here." I sighed with relief.

Then I woke up.

Am I lost forever?

I could not with stand another trial. My emotional state is weakend. I have been deprived of emotional stimulation and love. Im not looking for a one night stand with a quick and temporary emotional healing of lust. Im searching for life long happiness; love that fills my soul with joy not darkness and dispair. If I were to endure one more heart ache my soul would be ripped to pieces. To be deprived and drained of your emotions, ideas and passion is an extremely exhausting process that leaves you cold, empty and bitter. I must find a way to get my soul back from wence it was stripped of me. The person I thought I was has disappeared and what is left is unrecognizable even to those who know me best. When this tribulation is over will i be able to get my mind back or will all those torturous and cruel things that have been inflicted apon me change me for the worse?

Theres this wall . . .

I have run into this wall that I just keep hitting my head against.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall that I've run into.
I've run into this wall.
I keep hitting my head.
It's dark.
There's this wall.
Grey.
Big concrete wall.
I dont know what to do.
There's this wall.
There's no way around it.
There's this wall and now way to get through it.
I feel so alone.
There's this wall.
It's dark and I dont know what to do.
I'm not scared anymore just utterly frustrated and comfused.
There's this wall. . . .
What should I do?

When was the last time you loved your lip color so much you actully finished it?

I know a few colors to be my absolute favorites but actually finishing one to the last oz or drop. I dont exactly pile it on like some women do. My lips are not my favorite feature so its not usually the one I 'play up'. Im more of a eyeliner/masscara-whore but we'll get to that later. I have lip glosses in every color; pink, coral, red, brown, lavender, or a combination of two or three, ones that plump, ones that shimmer, matte ones, bold ones and sheer ones But they all apear to be as full as the day I bought them. Ive got a drawer full of them, my purse is stuffed with them, they're in my studio on shelves, in my living room with the books, in my kitchen with the gum and scissors. I could fill a warehouse bin if I search the house thoughly enough.
There was One! Back when I had my own Avon lady, I was young and knew nothing of makeup. I fell in love with a lipstick. Pink Dusk Rose! I loved it so much I bought 3 tubes after the first. I still have one last one with 5 or more uses left. Avon no longer carries it so I was off searching for something like it. I ran across L'oreals Saucy Sands, beautiful colour but I cant stand the smell of it. It has an old lady makeup smell, I dont know how else to explain that. Then I found Maybelines moisture whip Sugar Plum Ice! Its slightly more nude but still has that lipstick smell. I dont know what I expected. It Is lipstick. Then I found Prestiges Pink Sands. Its nearly perfect, smooth, no smell, with moisture, but it doesnt last very long at all. Finally I landed on Bare Escentuals Wearable Nude. Holy crap this stuff is awesome. Its got everything I could want, no if it just wasnt so damn expensive.
Now who could forget the perfect sticky shinny glossy lip balm? Oddly with lipsticks I lean toward the pink-nudes! But with glosses I got for corals and uber bright reds! I tried CG's wetslicks fruit spritzers. Love the taste of the Strawberry Splash but the thing is just to darn sticky. I think I landed on this one about the time Lynae and I spent too much time crusing in the Jeep with the top and our hair down, mixed with lip gloss bad combination. Same thing with Lancomes Juicy tubes, ultra brillant and shiny, super sticky, loved the Magic Spell one but it had a daquiri smell but yummy taste to it. So I tried something different. Sinful Colors lip gloss. The tube doesnt say what color it is but its a very deep blood red! Love the color! Goes on smooth but stains slightly and bleeds which I was not a fan of. Im 24, I dont need to look like Im 4 and got into mommys makeup. Been there done that. haha. Then I hit the jackpot. I ran across, it was actually a "been standing in line for 20 minutes, rumaging through impulse item place lip glosses" kind of buy. I was at Victorias Secret when I found Beauty Rush. I must say every time I go back I leave with a new color. Fineapple is my absolute favorite Im on my third tube. Peach Buzz, CarriBerry, and Pearadise come in close seconds but I havnt finished the first tube of those ones. But I must say once I came across DuWop and its Lip Venom I was in love! I can never have too much of this one!! Its clear so you can put it over everything. I even put it over my Burts Bees!!
Soo, Is there a certain one you buy everything they've got or perhaps you have a favorite I should try!

The most exquisite prince.

He knows not what he has. He knows not what he possesses. Never cometh trouble in the likeness of his grace. He think of my love as a precious jewel and treasure it with all his being till the end of his time.

He speaks not with a slanderous tongue to his comrades for his words would fall like fire upon mine ears. Such evil thoughts and words would infect his soul and all that which possess his dreams. To consume him like the spirits. For I am not the harlot he slandered mine name to be. Be I not a maiden in thine eyes? For that tis what I wish to be known as in thine heart.
Silence. It is all that mine mind can contain. My silence most offends you. Thou I was raised to speak simple thoughts and to speak not the thoughts that hold weight or difference.
The love god hath passed me by. I in my waking find not a soul to pair with. I wish to hide me till God doth point him out to mine eyes. Tis a precious thing to only happen once and only to the sweet and pure in heart. Doth mine heart not deserve this? Or is thine heart nor desires from mine soul pure? Why hath men be the villain of mine story?

Is it not strange that the spirits from a liquid might open ones soul unto one another? I beg you, to know what thou hath to say unto me. My soul tis open to yours even if mine mind seem not.
Mine heart will rest and mine soul will weep though mine mind will not sleep for mine other half tis missing. So I will feel the pain in all its intensity. So when this tis over the happiness that will consume me will be mighty and powerful and be unto mine heart and soul worth every pain I hath ever felt.

Try to sleep now my lovers, as will I! I will see you upon the 'morrow!

Ado my Sweets! Ado!

Cold and Alone

As I open the door to the shower the heat leaves my tiny square space and the cold crisp air sneaks in. I feel the warm water drip down my back and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I get a chill as your face flashes through my mind. I wrap the dry towel around my dripping wet naked body not even bothering to dry myself. I step out and get a glimpse of my form in the foggy mirror. I imagine you standing there like you used to do, behind me, holding me about the waist smelling my hair and kissing my neck, but all that I feel is the cold damp air around me and the emptiness of the room. I thought I had used up all my tears in the hot burning water as I tried to feel, feel anything. The burning of my skin in the hot water detracted me for only a second but the sting faded as I went back to the pain I felt from your absence. A drop runs down my calf and I go to wipe it away but I can’t, it tickles just a little, it almost feels as though your hand is caressing my calf the way you used to when we snuggled. My bed is empty and lonely. I stand in the bright doorway of my bathroom and stare and the dark room before me with the empty untossed sheets, the perfectly made bed and remember you and all that we had together. I turn off the light and enter into the darkness. The towel drops to the floor and I crawl into bed, still wet and cold but uncaring. As I lie there cold and alone I think of you and cry myself to sleep and even though I sleep I still weep as I dream of what we had together.

When will this all end?

Just as I start getting over one I have to get over another. Will I ever be happy? How do I stop myself from talking about you? I remember when you were the only one for me. I know I can’t go back. I miss the way we made love. Why did I hold it all inside?
Care for him I do. Love him I always will. Though right for him I am not.
It all seemed to make sense. Good things in life are hard to find. We made something good. This love is killing me. When will it be over?
I hate the way my heart aches when I think of you. But I don't miss kissing you. I'm broken and you want to lick my wounds. You stand outside my window and wait for something bad to happen so you can rescue me. You want that gold star when you fix my problems. You wait till I'm sad and broken down, when I'm vulerable thats when you shine. Y0u love to see me cry it makes you feel stronger. When I think of it my fingers turn to fists. Soon you will be lying in your own blood by your own hands.
I'm going crazy thinking about you not being able to touch you. When will this all end?