The most exquisite prince.

He knows not what he has. He knows not what he possesses. Never cometh trouble in the likeness of his grace. He think of my love as a precious jewel and treasure it with all his being till the end of his time.

He speaks not with a slanderous tongue to his comrades for his words would fall like fire upon mine ears. Such evil thoughts and words would infect his soul and all that which possess his dreams. To consume him like the spirits. For I am not the harlot he slandered mine name to be. Be I not a maiden in thine eyes? For that tis what I wish to be known as in thine heart.
Silence. It is all that mine mind can contain. My silence most offends you. Thou I was raised to speak simple thoughts and to speak not the thoughts that hold weight or difference.
The love god hath passed me by. I in my waking find not a soul to pair with. I wish to hide me till God doth point him out to mine eyes. Tis a precious thing to only happen once and only to the sweet and pure in heart. Doth mine heart not deserve this? Or is thine heart nor desires from mine soul pure? Why hath men be the villain of mine story?

Is it not strange that the spirits from a liquid might open ones soul unto one another? I beg you, to know what thou hath to say unto me. My soul tis open to yours even if mine mind seem not.
Mine heart will rest and mine soul will weep though mine mind will not sleep for mine other half tis missing. So I will feel the pain in all its intensity. So when this tis over the happiness that will consume me will be mighty and powerful and be unto mine heart and soul worth every pain I hath ever felt.

Try to sleep now my lovers, as will I! I will see you upon the 'morrow!

Ado my Sweets! Ado!

Cold and Alone

As I open the door to the shower the heat leaves my tiny square space and the cold crisp air sneaks in. I feel the warm water drip down my back and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I get a chill as your face flashes through my mind. I wrap the dry towel around my dripping wet naked body not even bothering to dry myself. I step out and get a glimpse of my form in the foggy mirror. I imagine you standing there like you used to do, behind me, holding me about the waist smelling my hair and kissing my neck, but all that I feel is the cold damp air around me and the emptiness of the room. I thought I had used up all my tears in the hot burning water as I tried to feel, feel anything. The burning of my skin in the hot water detracted me for only a second but the sting faded as I went back to the pain I felt from your absence. A drop runs down my calf and I go to wipe it away but I can’t, it tickles just a little, it almost feels as though your hand is caressing my calf the way you used to when we snuggled. My bed is empty and lonely. I stand in the bright doorway of my bathroom and stare and the dark room before me with the empty untossed sheets, the perfectly made bed and remember you and all that we had together. I turn off the light and enter into the darkness. The towel drops to the floor and I crawl into bed, still wet and cold but uncaring. As I lie there cold and alone I think of you and cry myself to sleep and even though I sleep I still weep as I dream of what we had together.

When will this all end?

Just as I start getting over one I have to get over another. Will I ever be happy? How do I stop myself from talking about you? I remember when you were the only one for me. I know I can’t go back. I miss the way we made love. Why did I hold it all inside?
Care for him I do. Love him I always will. Though right for him I am not.
It all seemed to make sense. Good things in life are hard to find. We made something good. This love is killing me. When will it be over?
I hate the way my heart aches when I think of you. But I don't miss kissing you. I'm broken and you want to lick my wounds. You stand outside my window and wait for something bad to happen so you can rescue me. You want that gold star when you fix my problems. You wait till I'm sad and broken down, when I'm vulerable thats when you shine. Y0u love to see me cry it makes you feel stronger. When I think of it my fingers turn to fists. Soon you will be lying in your own blood by your own hands.
I'm going crazy thinking about you not being able to touch you. When will this all end?

I can't stop dreaming about this man I've never met

As I fall asleep I think of you and as I lay there sleeping I dream of you.
I’m lying in a garden next to a cabin that is nestled close to the trees to protect it from the wind. There is a big open field for a view, with mountains high up above the trees to shelter us. I lay there in the garden amongst the poppies, lilies and roses watching the sun go down. The stars light up the skies and I see moonbeams, they dance across your face. I wonder inside to check the fire and peer out the window to see you lying in the garden. I lean closer and try to hear your whispers. What was it you wished for on that falling star? You roll over in the dirt and catch me watching you. You look so handsome, strong and tan from the sun. You prop yourself up on your elbows and rest your chin on the palm of your hand and just lay there watching me as I’m watching you. You say nothing yet I know what you’re thinking. There is a questioning look in your eyes. I try to act confused by your questioning look and throw a playful change in the conversation. You see my face but don’t catch the words. I pull the curtains close hopping to hide my fear but you feel my pain and run to me. I hate the way my heart feels when I’m near you but I crave it just the same. I saw you as you walked across the room, looking out the window you saw the moon. I walk away from you and sit on the corner of the bed. I always wished for a perfect setting. Is this it? My heart seems sure and willing but my head is confused and scared. My hands are cold and shaky. I wake up in a sweat. I turn on the light and look for you but you're not there. You never were for you only come to me in my dreams.

Listen to what I'm not saying when I scream

I don't want someone to hold at night.
I don't want someone to talk to everyday.
I don't want someone to plan my life with.
I don't want a tall dark and handsome man.
What I want is
Just a man
with a big heart and a willing soul
who will trust me and love me
who will listen when I scream
to what I'm saying when I'm not speaking a word
and understands
I don't want things fixed or handled
I just want them understood
because they can't be fixed correctly by anyone but me
I have to do them myself
You may think you've come up with a plan
and fixed it for me
but that just creates more work
I have to tear apart what you did
only to discover I have to find another way different then yours
so to do it my way and not yours
even if your way was in fact my way in the first place

Maybe then . . .

I wish I could find someone who makes me feel the things men in movies make me feel. I'm that girl in the background, the extra, staring at the star wondering why I cant have what she has. I know what it's like not to have someone. I'm feeling that way right now. I'm always there for everyone else but when I hit rock bottom were do they all go. I do have people who will listen but when I sit down with them, they say talk and my mind goes blank. I do hope that woman in the movie finds what shes searching for but in the mean time I'll be searching for what I don't know. What I don't know is what I want. Life is far to complicated right now. I feel like my mind has ADD. There is so much going on I cant even concentrate. I'm starting to hate life but at the same time I love the challenge. If life could just calm down for a bit so I can search my unorganized brain for my sanity, then, but only then, could it continue on spinning and I might be able to, maybe if I'm lucky, get a grasp on lifes meaning. Maybe then I'll be happy for once. Just maybe.

What is with all these Bit**?

Here I am. Thought I had changed and grown so much. Thought I was changing myself for the better. Thought I was creating myself. So why is it that all of a sudden. There are random people stepping up and saying they hate me. Saying I'm fat and ugly and have the worst wardrobe ever? Saying I'm to young to know what I want, telling me I'm confused. Thinking I'm playing with everyone's heart? Thinking I'm out to hurt and destroy. What did I ever do to them?
Ok so maybe I weigh a lot more than your 5' 1" 92lb ass, at least I have an ass to shake. Which, I think, is why woman have an ass, because the body is to be sensual and sexually attractive. Look at belly dancing, the sexiest and in your opinion cubby, the most beautiful women. As for my wardrobe, I'm eclectic. One day I'm in jeans, tennis shoes, a zip up, a ball cap and "kick your ass attitude" and the next I'm in bright red heels, capris, a polka dot top and a "perfect pinup smile." No one ever told me I was 'cute' so they couldn't have lied to me. Don't put a label on me thats the fast way to get on my bad side, you wont like it over there. Trust me on this. Step up. Take the heat. Stop taking the easy way out. Get something accomplished in life. Create yourself. Become the person you wish you were. We only have life to live. So why don't we just live it?
Maybe I am too young to understand. Maybe I am indecisive. Maybe you do have bigger boobs and a better smile. Maybe you do have more to offer. Maybe you do have more to give. But my heart is strong and I won't let go of what I love. Too young you say. I love learning. I'm a fast learner. You were right were I am at one time. Maybe you made some bad decisions. Maybe you're jealous because I haven't made the same ones. But trust me I've made a lot. You think I'm indecisive? Isn't everyone? I am a logical thinker. It takes me a little bit longer to come to a decision but that's because I don't jump out there with my heart. As for the boobs and looks you got. Yeah you got them but so do a lot of other people. I'm beautiful in my own way. No one can take that away from me. I will always be me. I will always be what I want to be. I will always overcome. I will always conquer. I will succeed.
From one day to the next my outfit is never the same much like my personality, like my attitude, like my sense of humor. That's the beauty of life. If you don't like how your day went yesterday change tomorrow.
I will not let your mouthy words, your let downs, your spoiled ways and your hurtful anger get to me. I am loved by the ones that matter. You don't love me therefore you no longer matter. I'm through with people who will walk on me just because they know I will let them. I'm sensitive and caring. I wont hurt you even if you hurt me on purpose I would still hurt myself before I let pain come to you and you don't like me and I don't even know you but that's the person I am. Don't like it. Walk away. I'll still be here when you need me. But if you cant stand to look at me or hear my voice. Then don't stand around to listen to it.