It must be the end of me

Why? All day my mistakes are all I could think of. As I sit and stare out the window I think about what I have done and what I should have done, I think of what I didnt do, the things I would take back, all the things I would do differently if I could just take a step back. I wish I could leave my body just so I watch myself and correct myself and kick myself. It would be so much more efficient than chewing and killing myself from the inside out for all the mistakes I have made. Every day I curse myself for the wrong I've done to you. Every day I hate myself more for the stupid things I have thought and done. Every day I cut my own soul for feeling and shun myself for needing something I myself threw to the side. I hate myself for the mistakes I've made and since there is no going back. I am stuck in this misery for eternity for my own stupidity and judgement. So it would actually be better if you hated me too. For that would be more painful than what I am doing to myself and maybe with that emotion from you my soul would feel its punishment and indulge in repentance, so it could finally wither away and have feeling no more. So grant me this one last wish before your soul departs from mine and end the misery within me so my heart can beat with yours one last time, just hate me or crush me so the hope no longer lives, because hope will be there even when the hurt and pain kills my soul, so kill the hope if you cant stop the pain.