I feel no more.

I'm through with life. When will it end? Or am I just waiting for it to begin. I'm tired of not knowing. Tired of not feeling. Tired of not knowing what's around the corner. Tired of being scared. Tired of hurting loved ones. Tired of getting hurt. I need to be challenged. I need to be inspired. I need to discover what it is in this world that I want. I'm sick of this cage, sick of this cocoon, sick of this leash, sick of being chained to the wall in the dark dingy dungeon that I've stuck myself in. I no longer what to live in fear of what people will think or how they will feel. What is this I feel? Why can't I read my own feelings? Why can't I feel with my own heart? Why am I angry for what was done? I couldn't have changed it if I tried. Could I have felt more? Could I have proved myself? What is love? What is life worth? Why do I let my head control my life? Why can't I use my heart to express my feelings? Why can't I feel the joy of my creations or the love in my actions? Why can't I feel the difference from a look of love and a look of lust? Why can't I feel? Why do I not feel? Why am I empty? Why am I different? Why do people love but never feel my loved in return? What is it they are doing to show the love they feel? Why does it have to be so obvious to some but a mystery to others? My life is cluttered. It's messy and confusing. I'm lost and searching. But I won't find what I'm searching for until I do a little cleaning. My heart is so stuffed with thoughts and feelings. My emotions tucked so deeply inside. I've hid them away for so long. I'm not sure how they will weather the storm that’s ahead. So I pray that you take me under down to the depths of the sea. Where nothing can reach me. Where I won’t need the air. So I can hide away and forget what it is to feel. For I guess I never felt anything at all. Because I'm not feeling anything right now. No loneliness. No despair. No guilt. No stress. No pleasure. No not even pain. Here I am. Do what you wish. For I'm giving up the struggle to win.

"Experiencing Life in All Its Intesity"

Life has intensity? I never really realize before but I guess it does, different grades, levels, pressures, work, family, school, emotions, relationships, down time, cram time, race time. Its all there. So why am I running so fast yet not feeling the satisfaction of moving anywere when all I have done in the last six months is progressed or should I say pressed on, moved forward even though I didnt want to. Life. Its a big fucking mess that everone enjoys getting their hands dirty in but nobody has any soap. Its a big fucking mess thats all its is.

It must be the end of me

Why? All day my mistakes are all I could think of. As I sit and stare out the window I think about what I have done and what I should have done, I think of what I didnt do, the things I would take back, all the things I would do differently if I could just take a step back. I wish I could leave my body just so I watch myself and correct myself and kick myself. It would be so much more efficient than chewing and killing myself from the inside out for all the mistakes I have made. Every day I curse myself for the wrong I've done to you. Every day I hate myself more for the stupid things I have thought and done. Every day I cut my own soul for feeling and shun myself for needing something I myself threw to the side. I hate myself for the mistakes I've made and since there is no going back. I am stuck in this misery for eternity for my own stupidity and judgement. So it would actually be better if you hated me too. For that would be more painful than what I am doing to myself and maybe with that emotion from you my soul would feel its punishment and indulge in repentance, so it could finally wither away and have feeling no more. So grant me this one last wish before your soul departs from mine and end the misery within me so my heart can beat with yours one last time, just hate me or crush me so the hope no longer lives, because hope will be there even when the hurt and pain kills my soul, so kill the hope if you cant stop the pain.

I gave my all to give you your flight

As the depression sets in I feel the room spin.

What did I ever do to feel this way?

Memories of my past invade my mind.

They haunt as if they aim to torture.

I can't even find the section of my mind that holds our happy memories.

In anger I went in and set the files a flame.

Thinking it would bring pain to you.

But you do not know what it is that I feel.

For I feel like a stone on your path.

One you used, not to conquer but to uplift yourself.

Your spirit now soars.

My flesh caught in your talons as you took off.

As I lay here in my blood.

I don't feel the pain.

Not even the anger that you left behind from your dust.

I look up to the skies.

Hoping to catch a glimpse of you.

But nothing but a lonely feather falls.

It comes close to my wilting frame.

I reach up to grab it.

My arms do not move.

I no longer have the strength to protect you.

A hunter with a gun.

Takes aim.

But I'm already gone.

I cannot protect you anymore.

I role over in my blood.

I try to stand.

He never meant to hurt me.

But I stepped in the way.

The bullet brought me down.

I watched you fly away.

There is no blood now.

I have nothing left to give.

For I gave my all in your flight.

To many Cooks spoil the Soup . . .

and to many boys in my heart spoil my dreams.

I need freedom to use my mind, to learn as much as possible and to become as competent as possible, by accumulating information and skills. Life is something to be explained. I need to find the meaning and significance on my own. I want my life to matter. I want to discover my true self and make a difference in this world. There is a thirst for adventure but I rarely take the time for the slow pleasures of life. I am a perfectionist and some consider me a “workaholic” but what others consider ‘work’ I think of as ‘play’. I’m a curious one; I love to learn new things. Knowledge is power, there is always something else out there to study or discover, it’s the only motivation I need. I learn best from reading and independent research. I’m very exact in problem solving, which is probably why I’m so good at video and computer games. Although, I tend to over think situations the goal, eventually, is accomplished. Once that happens I lose interest and move on.
I tend to make decisions with my head rather than my heart, so I come off as unemotional and insensitive, but my feelings run deep and strong. I’m not known for romantic gestures or self-expression. I’m very private about my thoughts and feelings. I seek unity with others and sometimes lose myself in what they want me to be. That’s why I love my alone time. People get attached to me then I’m gone. Although I believe in true love, perfect forever love. I bring drama, but with it warmth and empathy.
As a child, I was communicative, artistic and imaginative, always asking “Why?” Now I have very little respect for authority, and reach my own conclusions. I hate repeating myself so once I’ve made my feelings clear it’s difficult for me to continue to express myself to someone. That’s probably why I get my feelings hurt a lot. Sometimes I’m too sensitive to others feelings, I have a knack for making others feel comfortable and accepted. I’m hardest on myself, I set very high standards of performance and expect and sometimes demand the same level of competence in others. My decisions are objective, using logic and reason.

Things that frustrate me to no end: routines, small talk, violence, plagiarism, illogical arguments, social functions and last but not least incompetence.

Things I love to do to frustrate others: not being sociable, blowing up when overly criticized, insensitive, ignoring the rules, lack of follow-through, impatient, lack understanding in emotional issues, impulse buying, not going with the flow, independent, argumentative, and sometimes arrogant.

If you want to start a fight with me here is how you start problems: incompetence, emotional displays, make a hasty decision without information, negative criticism, force me to speech before I’ve had the opportunity to think it through, crush my independence, bore me, or keep me on a need-to-know basis.