'The two step-sisters' they laugh at me and call me Cinderella. They think I have a bad life because I cook and clean, because I work hard in life.
Their lives are easy. They have subservient men, who tend to their every need and wish. Sweet, kind men, who are handsome and strong, men they do not deserve. The 'step-sisters' sit on their pedestal all day staring at themselves in the mirror. Dwelling on thoughts of youth and beauty, which is fading fast. Causing them to become cruel and bitter.
While I study hard. My mind full of physics, psychology, literature and art. My other half, he treats me as his equal. He doesn't kiss my feet or brush my hair. He loves me for my strength, my independence and my mind. He may not bring me breakfast in bed or wash my car. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
I've been in that relationship. When the man kisses the ground I walk on. I've been up on that pedestal. I was bored and put off by his actions of appraisal and I ended up despising him and hating his love for me.
How can you be happy up there? Are you that vain that you need constant admiration and approval. Is it insecurity that causes you to treat your man so badly?
I need no ones approval but my own. I enjoy cooking. I love to clean. Sometimes he cooks, sometimes he does the dishes, but I hold no power over him and he holds no power over me. We are equals. We walk beside each other in life, hand in hand. I don't dwell on youth and beauty. I concentrate on furthering my knowledge and building my character.
What fate awaits the evil 'step-sisters' well, karma hits them hard. For their wickedness and malice, their ill tempered, disagreeable nature. They are very unhappy in life. In many versions they meet a gruesome death or some horrible fate. Cinderella, on the other hand, lives happily ever after with her prince who is as charming as he is handsome. No, I am not hurt by you calling me Cinderella, though you do mean it as a hurtful name. I am content with my little chair by the fire, where I sit and read throughout the night. And I am very much in love with my prince charming, who is my best friend, my right hand, my equal.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Sunday, October 3, 2010
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Friday, June 18, 2010
Sunset on the Columbia River
The birds are singing their sweet evening songs, as the sun lowers in the sky, turning the clouds golden yellow. Sparrows sail slowly and gracefully over my head. As the river laps at the shore and little fish bob to the surface for an evening snack of water bugs. This has always been my favorite time of day. It must be the sounds and the bright colors. I'm surrounded only by birds song and the wind rustling through the leaves. The sky is bursting into every color of the rainbow, ever changing. It's a different color every time I glance up to look at it. The clouds seem to be moving towards the sun as if attracted to it, like a moth to the flame. The wind picks up and a breeze smelling like the ocean rushes in up the river. I'm reminded of a passage in John Muir's “A Wind-Storm in the Forests.”
“The winds go up every tree, fingering every leaf and branch and furrowed bole; not one is forgotten; the Mountain Pine towering with outstretched arms on the rugged buttresses of the icy peaks, the lowliest and most retiring tenant of the dells; they seek and find them all, caressing them tenderly, bending them in lusty exercise, stimulating their growth, plucking off a leaf or limb as required, or removing an entire tree or grove, now whispering and cooing through the branches like a sleepy child, now roar like the ocean; the winds blessing the forests, the forests the winds, with ineffable beauty and harmony as the sure result” (Norton 251).
I've seen many things in this river; seals, cranes, geese, ducks, sail boats and large ships carrying logs or filled with grains. I understand now how Crevecoeur saw nature never “without wonder.” I feel that way now too, my favorite thing though would be the colors that swirl in the rivers ripples and peaks as the sun is setting. The clouds above turn baby pink and the river below mimics it. Giving the river the appearance of pink icing on a cake. I wish I could describe this view as well as Crevecoeur could describe nature around him. The line I remember best is when he said that, “nature has profusely lavished her most splendid colours, the most perfect azure, the most beautiful gold, the most dazzling red are forever contrast and help to embellish the plumes.” I wish I could see things through his eyes and know what colours he saw at that moment.
The river is very calm right now, the tide must be going out. I can tell because the fishing boats at the dock are pulling taut on their front ropes while the rear ties lay with slack. The boats rock softly in the gentle flowing currant as the clouds above explode in a hot pink cotton candy fluff. A bald eagle flies up river, then up towards the tops of the trees returning home after a long day of hunting and sailing. It's amazing how soothing and peaceful a sunset set to the soundtrack of a dozen different birds singing a song no one but I will ever hear but me. I sit silently, startled by the honking of a crane as he flies upriver, just inches above the water. He's landed somewhere just a few yards from me behind some bushes but I cant see him for now. He's probably laying in wait for the finches to stop arguing in the tree above his nest before he ambles on home. Who knows what finches argue about. He's given up on going home and flies further up river. So low and so close to me I can see his eyes. I wish had taken a picture but he flew so gracefully by I couldn't take my eyes off him and his majestic blue, gray feathers.
There's a cat wondering down the shore, moving closer and closer to the river. He pauses ever few steps to listen to the finches and sparrows. He settles himself below the tree of arguing finches, his body silhouetted by the setting sun. I'm curious what the finches are arguing about. I know I'm being completely anthropomorphic in stating this, but it doesn't sound like a pleasant conversation. They are speaking louder and faster, not allowing the other to get a sound in. They seem to be talking over each other. The only breaks in the yelling is when one flies down from the tree as if falling, pulling up from his nose dive only at the very last minute. The little finch flies across the river, then down the river only to return to the same tree to argue again. This time with quicker peeps and more forcefully squawks. I think maybe he flies away from the tree to clear his head so he can think of a better comeback. He leaves the tree again screeching this time. I wonder why till I notice that she is chasing him. They return to the tree only to squawk at each other some more. Maybe she feels he isn't bringing home enough worms for the baby chicks.
When I sat down, out here by the river, I felt silly and wondered if someone might walk up behind me. Perhaps they would wonder what I am doing way out here all on my own but the gentle lapping of the river on the shore and the setting sun have relaxed me. I feel quite comfortable, nestled in the sand among the bushes. The sun is almost set and even the arguing birds have quieted down. The robins seem to have forgotten I'm here. Maybe because its getting dark now that the sun has set. I say they have forgotten because their flying quickly by me, so close I straighten up and brace myself for the coming impact. They take a sharp turn away from me just as I brace myself. Maybe it's my movement that reminds them that I'm still here or perhaps they are just playing games with me.
The moon is getting brighter and the clouds are getting darker. The crane I was hoping to see again still has not returned, much to my dismay. I've always been drawn to him, since he's such a quite bird with a seemingly private life. Though I'm sure my attraction to him in no way compares to Muir's relationship with the water ouzel. While Muir's water ouzel is always happily singing and frolicking about, my crane is lumbering slowing with silent movements. Perhaps the type of bird a person is drawn to says a lot about their personality. Much like an owner and their dogs.
The trees are now black and the clouds look like lumpy blue cotton balls. All collecting around the hole in the sky where the sun disappeared into. There is a halo of light encircling the moon, like a keyhole into another dimension. The water is clear now and sparkles like diamonds, reflecting the bright moon, like a traffic light on a puddle. There is an eerie silence now that all the birds have settled in for the night. Even the river is creeping silently. It's getting late, the bugs are nibbling at my neck and my fingers are getting cold. I should probably head home now but want to see that crane again. Maybe another time. I will definitely return to this special spot again just to wait for him to appear, because I know he will return. I just have to be patient and wait. Like Emerson said, “Nature ever flows, stands never still.”
“The winds go up every tree, fingering every leaf and branch and furrowed bole; not one is forgotten; the Mountain Pine towering with outstretched arms on the rugged buttresses of the icy peaks, the lowliest and most retiring tenant of the dells; they seek and find them all, caressing them tenderly, bending them in lusty exercise, stimulating their growth, plucking off a leaf or limb as required, or removing an entire tree or grove, now whispering and cooing through the branches like a sleepy child, now roar like the ocean; the winds blessing the forests, the forests the winds, with ineffable beauty and harmony as the sure result” (Norton 251).
I've seen many things in this river; seals, cranes, geese, ducks, sail boats and large ships carrying logs or filled with grains. I understand now how Crevecoeur saw nature never “without wonder.” I feel that way now too, my favorite thing though would be the colors that swirl in the rivers ripples and peaks as the sun is setting. The clouds above turn baby pink and the river below mimics it. Giving the river the appearance of pink icing on a cake. I wish I could describe this view as well as Crevecoeur could describe nature around him. The line I remember best is when he said that, “nature has profusely lavished her most splendid colours, the most perfect azure, the most beautiful gold, the most dazzling red are forever contrast and help to embellish the plumes.” I wish I could see things through his eyes and know what colours he saw at that moment.
The river is very calm right now, the tide must be going out. I can tell because the fishing boats at the dock are pulling taut on their front ropes while the rear ties lay with slack. The boats rock softly in the gentle flowing currant as the clouds above explode in a hot pink cotton candy fluff. A bald eagle flies up river, then up towards the tops of the trees returning home after a long day of hunting and sailing. It's amazing how soothing and peaceful a sunset set to the soundtrack of a dozen different birds singing a song no one but I will ever hear but me. I sit silently, startled by the honking of a crane as he flies upriver, just inches above the water. He's landed somewhere just a few yards from me behind some bushes but I cant see him for now. He's probably laying in wait for the finches to stop arguing in the tree above his nest before he ambles on home. Who knows what finches argue about. He's given up on going home and flies further up river. So low and so close to me I can see his eyes. I wish had taken a picture but he flew so gracefully by I couldn't take my eyes off him and his majestic blue, gray feathers.
There's a cat wondering down the shore, moving closer and closer to the river. He pauses ever few steps to listen to the finches and sparrows. He settles himself below the tree of arguing finches, his body silhouetted by the setting sun. I'm curious what the finches are arguing about. I know I'm being completely anthropomorphic in stating this, but it doesn't sound like a pleasant conversation. They are speaking louder and faster, not allowing the other to get a sound in. They seem to be talking over each other. The only breaks in the yelling is when one flies down from the tree as if falling, pulling up from his nose dive only at the very last minute. The little finch flies across the river, then down the river only to return to the same tree to argue again. This time with quicker peeps and more forcefully squawks. I think maybe he flies away from the tree to clear his head so he can think of a better comeback. He leaves the tree again screeching this time. I wonder why till I notice that she is chasing him. They return to the tree only to squawk at each other some more. Maybe she feels he isn't bringing home enough worms for the baby chicks.
When I sat down, out here by the river, I felt silly and wondered if someone might walk up behind me. Perhaps they would wonder what I am doing way out here all on my own but the gentle lapping of the river on the shore and the setting sun have relaxed me. I feel quite comfortable, nestled in the sand among the bushes. The sun is almost set and even the arguing birds have quieted down. The robins seem to have forgotten I'm here. Maybe because its getting dark now that the sun has set. I say they have forgotten because their flying quickly by me, so close I straighten up and brace myself for the coming impact. They take a sharp turn away from me just as I brace myself. Maybe it's my movement that reminds them that I'm still here or perhaps they are just playing games with me.
The moon is getting brighter and the clouds are getting darker. The crane I was hoping to see again still has not returned, much to my dismay. I've always been drawn to him, since he's such a quite bird with a seemingly private life. Though I'm sure my attraction to him in no way compares to Muir's relationship with the water ouzel. While Muir's water ouzel is always happily singing and frolicking about, my crane is lumbering slowing with silent movements. Perhaps the type of bird a person is drawn to says a lot about their personality. Much like an owner and their dogs.
The trees are now black and the clouds look like lumpy blue cotton balls. All collecting around the hole in the sky where the sun disappeared into. There is a halo of light encircling the moon, like a keyhole into another dimension. The water is clear now and sparkles like diamonds, reflecting the bright moon, like a traffic light on a puddle. There is an eerie silence now that all the birds have settled in for the night. Even the river is creeping silently. It's getting late, the bugs are nibbling at my neck and my fingers are getting cold. I should probably head home now but want to see that crane again. Maybe another time. I will definitely return to this special spot again just to wait for him to appear, because I know he will return. I just have to be patient and wait. Like Emerson said, “Nature ever flows, stands never still.”
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Star Whale
with skin the color of deep space
the body of a seal
with spots that shine like stars
the tusks like a walrus
that glisten like polished steel
the tail like octopus tentacles
changes colors like the aurora borealis
minty green, to lush lavender, to deep pink
it swims with ease through the stars
as if they were majestic crashing waves
passing space ships as if they were tiny fish
the most gentle loving creature
the tales he could tell of other galaxy's
the sights he has seen from the dying stars to the birth of planets
the star whale
the tour guide for the universe
with skin the color of deep space
the body of a seal
with spots that shine like stars
the tusks like a walrus
that glisten like polished steel
the tail like octopus tentacles
changes colors like the aurora borealis
minty green, to lush lavender, to deep pink
it swims with ease through the stars
as if they were majestic crashing waves
passing space ships as if they were tiny fish
the most gentle loving creature
the tales he could tell of other galaxy's
the sights he has seen from the dying stars to the birth of planets
the star whale
the tour guide for the universe
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I hurt when Im away from you but when Im near you, you cause me pain.
How does one go about separating them self from something that causes them pain but that they love very much.
So much drama, so much love, so much hatred, so much pain, so much emotion, so much guilt, so much pride, so much connection, so much in common, its too much. There is no equality, no passion, no confiding, no agreeing, only arguing and battling. Even when I agree with you, you fight me. I try to help, to aid, to inspire but you think there is sinister evil thoughts behind my loving actions. You seek to see what I have hidden when I hide nothing. You search for motive behind my loving actions. You hear an evil tone in my soothing sweet voice. You feel hatred in my loving embrace. I show you compassion and see it as a form of weekness. You twist my every word into something it is not just to hurt me and fight me.
I need to be disconnected from you because you cause me pain, but it pains me to disconnect from you. Free me from your guilt trips. Let me loose from you manipulating grasp. I have had enough of you stepping on my fingers while I am hanging from the edge of a cliff. Stop expecting me to make the same mistakes you or my siblings have made. Let me, please, let me make my 'own' mistakes.
Let me go from you hurtful grasp or I will be forced to flee.
So much drama, so much love, so much hatred, so much pain, so much emotion, so much guilt, so much pride, so much connection, so much in common, its too much. There is no equality, no passion, no confiding, no agreeing, only arguing and battling. Even when I agree with you, you fight me. I try to help, to aid, to inspire but you think there is sinister evil thoughts behind my loving actions. You seek to see what I have hidden when I hide nothing. You search for motive behind my loving actions. You hear an evil tone in my soothing sweet voice. You feel hatred in my loving embrace. I show you compassion and see it as a form of weekness. You twist my every word into something it is not just to hurt me and fight me.
I need to be disconnected from you because you cause me pain, but it pains me to disconnect from you. Free me from your guilt trips. Let me loose from you manipulating grasp. I have had enough of you stepping on my fingers while I am hanging from the edge of a cliff. Stop expecting me to make the same mistakes you or my siblings have made. Let me, please, let me make my 'own' mistakes.
Let me go from you hurtful grasp or I will be forced to flee.
Monday, September 7, 2009
I Am Not The Me That You Know I Am A Tree
I may have been at one time very close to the idea you have of me but as time goes and nature vs nurture comes into play its only natural that a person changes. Holding onto your ideas and your insights of a person is fine but keep an open heart and be mindful of their changes, no matter how long you have known them.
People are trees. We have roots of personality, those things that will always be there deep beneath the surface, the reactions and feelings we were born with but what every one sees is our leaves and we don't keep our leaves forever. When you meet a person you see their leaves in all the colors of their personality but the leaves fall and new ones take their place. As a persons surroundings influence them and nature takes its course, people change. Its still the same tree you love and care for but you cant keep trying to stick the wilted and dried leaves back on.
Don't you see? I am that tree. You are still holding on so tightly to those leaves that fell when I was little you never notice all the new leaves that have come and gone to take their place. I tried to point that out to you but you refuse to drop those leaves.
In your anger you have dug up my roots just to show me they are there. You stand there pointing at my roots as if I have forgotten them. Shouting "look, here are your roots. This IS what you are."
Don't you see how silly it is? Don't you see how much your hurting the tree? The tree knows exactly what its roots are made of and were they come from. My roots keep me standing in the wind and through the heavy storms. They feed me and nourish me, make me strong and support me and bind me to the earth and all that is there. All the time you are digging up my roots and pointing and shouting, dancing around in anger. You are hurting the tree cant you see? The tree does not hurt back. Standing there proud and tall, smiling and saying, "look at my pretty new leaves. cant you see? aren't you proud of my new leaves? don't you see how much I have grown, how beautiful Ive become?"
Why don't you just try, try to see my new leaves. Please bury the roots and just enjoy Me.
When you ripped up my roots was your plan to kill the new leaves because that is what you are doing, the tree is dying inside.
People are trees. We have roots of personality, those things that will always be there deep beneath the surface, the reactions and feelings we were born with but what every one sees is our leaves and we don't keep our leaves forever. When you meet a person you see their leaves in all the colors of their personality but the leaves fall and new ones take their place. As a persons surroundings influence them and nature takes its course, people change. Its still the same tree you love and care for but you cant keep trying to stick the wilted and dried leaves back on.
Don't you see? I am that tree. You are still holding on so tightly to those leaves that fell when I was little you never notice all the new leaves that have come and gone to take their place. I tried to point that out to you but you refuse to drop those leaves.
In your anger you have dug up my roots just to show me they are there. You stand there pointing at my roots as if I have forgotten them. Shouting "look, here are your roots. This IS what you are."
Don't you see how silly it is? Don't you see how much your hurting the tree? The tree knows exactly what its roots are made of and were they come from. My roots keep me standing in the wind and through the heavy storms. They feed me and nourish me, make me strong and support me and bind me to the earth and all that is there. All the time you are digging up my roots and pointing and shouting, dancing around in anger. You are hurting the tree cant you see? The tree does not hurt back. Standing there proud and tall, smiling and saying, "look at my pretty new leaves. cant you see? aren't you proud of my new leaves? don't you see how much I have grown, how beautiful Ive become?"
Why don't you just try, try to see my new leaves. Please bury the roots and just enjoy Me.
When you ripped up my roots was your plan to kill the new leaves because that is what you are doing, the tree is dying inside.
Friday, September 4, 2009
13 year old gives 25 year old 'Advice' Anger Ensues
Recently I had a major blow up with my family (more posts from my journal later) and my cousins thirteen year old daughter wrote me this after a Im going great. how are you doing? type of greeting.
Her misguided letter to me:
"well ur dating a complete duche u blew off ur WHOLE family for that duche so ur gonna miss grammies bday get abbused and all this other shit and ur telling me this is the best uve ever been? i love u and i want wharts best for u and brian isnt hes the worst guy and i know u can do WAY better than him and u should come back to ur family who actually LOVES AND CARES for u not 1 duche of a boyfriend what u do know is the biggest and most important decision of ur life and make it wisely"
My letter to her:
"WOW. You just totally went and fucking pissed me off. Seriously. wow. ummmm first off. Dont ever call Brian a douch. EVER! and second maybe you should ask if you have your facts right before you jump to conclusions. You seem to be listening to a lot of gossip and believe it. So dont even go there if you dont care to know the truth.
Why would I miss grandmas birthday? Am I not allowed to come now?
and I havent blown off my family. I was hanging out with them all night. My mother is the one who has been ignoring me and giving me the cold sholder. All because shes suddenly realized Im not a child anymore who will do whatever she says to please her.
Have you even met my amazingly romantic handsome fiance? Yes fiance!
Im happy. In love. and Im not going to let anyone, not even my parents or sister tell me who I can love or how I can act. I am my own person with my own wants and needs and my family just cant fill all those needs. I have a man that respects me, supports me, wants to see me grow and succed and hes going to do anything it takes to help me get what I want in life. Now does that sound like a douche to you?
Im going to be 25 here in a few weeks and my mom and sister seem to both think Im 16 and treat me like Im 13. Ive let them push me around and boss me around long enough. Im my own person and Im ready to take responsibility for my own life and become my own person. I seem to just be something bigger than they expected me to become so I no longer fit in that little box they have built for me. I dont care if they are not happy with my decisions. Im not on this earth to make them happy. All my life Ive done just that. molded myself to fit, acted to fit, shut my mouth and just let people walk all over me. Well Im tired of that. I want to be me and I want people to know me. Im tired of sitting in the corner and watching everyone else live happy lives. I want my happy life and Im going to get it not even my family will stand in my way. I really dont give a shit if they do show up to my wedding. I dont care if anyone in my family shows up. If its just me and Brian standing there in Vegas with Elvis as our witness I wont care because Ill have him. The man that fills my heart with joy, the man that fills my life with adventure, the man that makes me passionate about life and all the things I have yet to learn. He makes the best things in me alive and I feel more alive then Ive ever felt and im not loosing that because my sister thinks I can get a guy with a six pack and my mom thinks I can find someone younger. No matter what man I choose I wont make them both happy and who cares if there happy with my marrage. Im the one that should be happy with my man. Theres nobody else in that relationship. JUST ME AND HIM. thats it period.
Now that I went back and read the rest of your note Im even more offended. Did you just tell me to make this decision wisely? wtf? and abused? Who the hell ever said anything about abuse? What kind of abuse did they say? What kind of lies have you been hearing? Do you seriously think Im stupid? Seriously? You think I would be with someone abusive? Can you even see me in that type of relationship? Oooohhh I get it. its because my sister had a crappy abusive relationship I have to have one too now. wtf?
'Come back to a family that loves and cares for you' Obviously they dont love me or they would be happy for me. They would love me even if I told them off. Do you think my father would turn his back on me if I was getting any kind of abuse. I dont see love there. 'Oh your bf treats you like shit, ok well go do your thing, we dont want to have anything to do with you then. Go off and do whatever.' Thats bullshit weekness and stuckup pride is what that is. Not love and most deffinatly not support.
What do you think?
Wait. . and how did I blow off the WHOLE family? Im comfused but that. Do you mean because they 'forgot' to invite me last sunday? (and by forgot I mean intentionally didnt inform me of the trip so I wouldnt rightly so invite myself) Thats it right? You think I blew off my family because my mother couldnt let go off her pride and anger so she decided not to include me or speak to me for weeks. Thats me blowing off my family? I didnt blow anyone off. I got pushed to the side because I would no longer follow orders. Im sorry if me having a backbone offends you.
What evil drama has been spouting from those elder mouths around such young impressionable ears. Im not only offended but appalled. To get your facts straight my dear you must first go straight to the source because no one who was not in the room during the explosion knows first had what started the fire. Except the one person holding the match. So next time you hear about the smoke. Ask questions of the one holding that match instead of faning the flames of some elses heart."
Her REPLY:
"im sorry i said that right after that i regretted it im sorry i just heard that he cussed out ur mom and u guys stormed away and he made u choose between ur family and him im really sorry i shouldn't have said those things :( no u can still come to her bday party(: its just ur one of my favorite cousins and i care about u and i misunderstood it all and i shouldnt be judging someone i dont know i hope u can forgive me(:"
My Reply:
"Oh I wasnt mad 'at' you directly. I was mad about the rumors you were hearing and believeing. I didnt 'cuss out' my mother and he never said a word. Except when he was 'begging and pledding' with them to Listen to me. She wouldnt listen she kept turning everything around and twisting what I said. I got pissed and swore, not directly at her in any hurtful way just in an exastberated 'holy crap this is crazy' kind of way. Brian knows my family doesnt like him. He wanted me to leave him because he knows how important my family is to me. My family is the one making me choose. Trying to control me by controlling who I love. I chose him because hes the one not making me choose. I just want you to understand all you have heard ALL OF IT is lies. Lies that someone is spouting because they are angry the lost control of their child, who by the way has been an 'adult' for 8 years, they of course just notice. Mom said Brian is too smart and makes her feel stupid. He walked into her living room and before he was in the door she was screaming and waving telling him to 'get out' of her house. Said she felt attacked by him being there. I had to get between them so my mom wouldnt hit him. As Im blocking her she and I get in a hand slapping 'thing' (cat fight?) I tried to stay calm just so I could talk to her but at that point her ears were closed because her mouth was open and from then on through the rest of the night nothing was going to get through to her. So she and I have yet to talk because shes stuborn and mad that I wont do as Im told. They have no reason not to like Brian. Hes deathly allergic to cats (also dogs, dust, mold, grass, trees, weeds you name it) and so he cant go to there house. They dont believe me. Ask your mom how serious an epipen is? I carry one in my perse and we keep one in each car, we have a bunch in the house. Why? Because if he has an allergic reaction, he has to shove a giant needle in his leg so he lives through the ten minute drive to the ER. I consider this a 'very' Very Good Reason for not spending alot of time at my parents house. Dont you? and I dont think thats a good reason to dislike him. He is really really smart. If you heard him talk you would understand. I would in fact call him a Genius! I really genius. I often feel like Im living with a scientist/phyciatrist. Ive learned so much from him just listening to him talk. I know why mom felt he was too smart, he uses big words, some that Ive never heard before but its how his brain works and I love that about him. Now does he sound like and evil douch?"
Her misguided letter to me:
"well ur dating a complete duche u blew off ur WHOLE family for that duche so ur gonna miss grammies bday get abbused and all this other shit and ur telling me this is the best uve ever been? i love u and i want wharts best for u and brian isnt hes the worst guy and i know u can do WAY better than him and u should come back to ur family who actually LOVES AND CARES for u not 1 duche of a boyfriend what u do know is the biggest and most important decision of ur life and make it wisely"
My letter to her:
"WOW. You just totally went and fucking pissed me off. Seriously. wow. ummmm first off. Dont ever call Brian a douch. EVER! and second maybe you should ask if you have your facts right before you jump to conclusions. You seem to be listening to a lot of gossip and believe it. So dont even go there if you dont care to know the truth.
Why would I miss grandmas birthday? Am I not allowed to come now?
and I havent blown off my family. I was hanging out with them all night. My mother is the one who has been ignoring me and giving me the cold sholder. All because shes suddenly realized Im not a child anymore who will do whatever she says to please her.
Have you even met my amazingly romantic handsome fiance? Yes fiance!
Im happy. In love. and Im not going to let anyone, not even my parents or sister tell me who I can love or how I can act. I am my own person with my own wants and needs and my family just cant fill all those needs. I have a man that respects me, supports me, wants to see me grow and succed and hes going to do anything it takes to help me get what I want in life. Now does that sound like a douche to you?
Im going to be 25 here in a few weeks and my mom and sister seem to both think Im 16 and treat me like Im 13. Ive let them push me around and boss me around long enough. Im my own person and Im ready to take responsibility for my own life and become my own person. I seem to just be something bigger than they expected me to become so I no longer fit in that little box they have built for me. I dont care if they are not happy with my decisions. Im not on this earth to make them happy. All my life Ive done just that. molded myself to fit, acted to fit, shut my mouth and just let people walk all over me. Well Im tired of that. I want to be me and I want people to know me. Im tired of sitting in the corner and watching everyone else live happy lives. I want my happy life and Im going to get it not even my family will stand in my way. I really dont give a shit if they do show up to my wedding. I dont care if anyone in my family shows up. If its just me and Brian standing there in Vegas with Elvis as our witness I wont care because Ill have him. The man that fills my heart with joy, the man that fills my life with adventure, the man that makes me passionate about life and all the things I have yet to learn. He makes the best things in me alive and I feel more alive then Ive ever felt and im not loosing that because my sister thinks I can get a guy with a six pack and my mom thinks I can find someone younger. No matter what man I choose I wont make them both happy and who cares if there happy with my marrage. Im the one that should be happy with my man. Theres nobody else in that relationship. JUST ME AND HIM. thats it period.
Now that I went back and read the rest of your note Im even more offended. Did you just tell me to make this decision wisely? wtf? and abused? Who the hell ever said anything about abuse? What kind of abuse did they say? What kind of lies have you been hearing? Do you seriously think Im stupid? Seriously? You think I would be with someone abusive? Can you even see me in that type of relationship? Oooohhh I get it. its because my sister had a crappy abusive relationship I have to have one too now. wtf?
'Come back to a family that loves and cares for you' Obviously they dont love me or they would be happy for me. They would love me even if I told them off. Do you think my father would turn his back on me if I was getting any kind of abuse. I dont see love there. 'Oh your bf treats you like shit, ok well go do your thing, we dont want to have anything to do with you then. Go off and do whatever.' Thats bullshit weekness and stuckup pride is what that is. Not love and most deffinatly not support.
What do you think?
Wait. . and how did I blow off the WHOLE family? Im comfused but that. Do you mean because they 'forgot' to invite me last sunday? (and by forgot I mean intentionally didnt inform me of the trip so I wouldnt rightly so invite myself) Thats it right? You think I blew off my family because my mother couldnt let go off her pride and anger so she decided not to include me or speak to me for weeks. Thats me blowing off my family? I didnt blow anyone off. I got pushed to the side because I would no longer follow orders. Im sorry if me having a backbone offends you.
What evil drama has been spouting from those elder mouths around such young impressionable ears. Im not only offended but appalled. To get your facts straight my dear you must first go straight to the source because no one who was not in the room during the explosion knows first had what started the fire. Except the one person holding the match. So next time you hear about the smoke. Ask questions of the one holding that match instead of faning the flames of some elses heart."
Her REPLY:
"im sorry i said that right after that i regretted it im sorry i just heard that he cussed out ur mom and u guys stormed away and he made u choose between ur family and him im really sorry i shouldn't have said those things :( no u can still come to her bday party(: its just ur one of my favorite cousins and i care about u and i misunderstood it all and i shouldnt be judging someone i dont know i hope u can forgive me(:"
My Reply:
"Oh I wasnt mad 'at' you directly. I was mad about the rumors you were hearing and believeing. I didnt 'cuss out' my mother and he never said a word. Except when he was 'begging and pledding' with them to Listen to me. She wouldnt listen she kept turning everything around and twisting what I said. I got pissed and swore, not directly at her in any hurtful way just in an exastberated 'holy crap this is crazy' kind of way. Brian knows my family doesnt like him. He wanted me to leave him because he knows how important my family is to me. My family is the one making me choose. Trying to control me by controlling who I love. I chose him because hes the one not making me choose. I just want you to understand all you have heard ALL OF IT is lies. Lies that someone is spouting because they are angry the lost control of their child, who by the way has been an 'adult' for 8 years, they of course just notice. Mom said Brian is too smart and makes her feel stupid. He walked into her living room and before he was in the door she was screaming and waving telling him to 'get out' of her house. Said she felt attacked by him being there. I had to get between them so my mom wouldnt hit him. As Im blocking her she and I get in a hand slapping 'thing' (cat fight?) I tried to stay calm just so I could talk to her but at that point her ears were closed because her mouth was open and from then on through the rest of the night nothing was going to get through to her. So she and I have yet to talk because shes stuborn and mad that I wont do as Im told. They have no reason not to like Brian. Hes deathly allergic to cats (also dogs, dust, mold, grass, trees, weeds you name it) and so he cant go to there house. They dont believe me. Ask your mom how serious an epipen is? I carry one in my perse and we keep one in each car, we have a bunch in the house. Why? Because if he has an allergic reaction, he has to shove a giant needle in his leg so he lives through the ten minute drive to the ER. I consider this a 'very' Very Good Reason for not spending alot of time at my parents house. Dont you? and I dont think thats a good reason to dislike him. He is really really smart. If you heard him talk you would understand. I would in fact call him a Genius! I really genius. I often feel like Im living with a scientist/phyciatrist. Ive learned so much from him just listening to him talk. I know why mom felt he was too smart, he uses big words, some that Ive never heard before but its how his brain works and I love that about him. Now does he sound like and evil douch?"
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